I don't typically like to write about training rides. Mostly because I'm slow, but also because I'm pretty sure no one wants to know how many watts I put out (appx 4 to 4.5w) or how long I can sustain my lactate threshold (appx 5 to 6 beers). Training logs are for personal use, so I won't bore you with how I 'train.' Did I mention that I was slow?
Having said that, here are some things I found interesting on today's ride:
- Big Red was jammin' out at Hains Point today. He was doing a little of his so-called 'cruising.' Which pretty much always means maintaining a 21mph pace. If you don't know BR, he's this gigantic med student on our team and he's pretty good at the whole biking thing too. As a Cat 2 racer, he's on an area elite team and is infamous for consistently stringing out the racers till their legs and lungs burn like fiery hot embers that match his hair. I'm sure I'll write more about him later on in the future, when he starts to turn up the heat at races and his hair becomes even redder. On my ride, I stuck next to him for a few laps, while regretting all the junk food and each and every alcoholic beverage I had consumed in the past couple days.
- I ran into Watt-son who was having technical difficulties because, as he jokingly put it, his insane 'wattage' snapped his chain. I stopped to help him and he tagged along on my ride with Big Red. Times he mentioned his blog: seven. Times I cared: zero. All in all, I was pretty happy with the level of self-control I was able to maintain. I mean, the river was right there. No one would ever know...
- Making my way home from HP, I decided to ride through the city. Its always more fun than taking the bike path across the river. As an added bonus, rush hour was just starting up, which affords me more opportunities to yell at and get hit by cars. I made it through the city relatively unscathed, with only three close calls. One of those instances occurred when I ran into a diplomatic envoy. Three SUVs turned onto the street I was on and came to a stop at the red light ahead. I don't really stop for red lights and as I was rolling past I saw several suited men packed in the front and rear SUVS looking out at me wielding submachine guns. Images of me as a ninja cyclist briefly flashed in my head, but alas [in profound 'asian'-accent] the westerners fire is far to powerful for crouching turtle's blade.
-And now about my crotch: I rode with a new pair of Castelli tights. They're warm, comfortable, and fit well, with the exception of the crotch region. The waistband seems to ride down and bunch up below my hips. What formed there was a weird flappy bundle of lycra that makes me look like some kind of sporty marsupial or like a fanny pack had melted on my balls. Either way, it was kinda awkward and still is now, but that's what happens when you're bored out of your mind riding a 3-mile loop in Southwest. You're mind wanders onto the most ridiculous stuff. Its like you're tripping on something. Thankfully it's not illegal, otherwise I'd be doing five to nine for possession with intent to distribute.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Action-packed
I may be what some call 'accident-prone', 'risk-acceptant', or what's more commonly known as 'a dumbass'. Standard attire for being a dumbass is a shit-eating mischievous grin, a high tolerance for pain (usually of the self-inflicted nature), and scars. Cycling is a great way to express the more creative side of my self-destruction. It involves speed, asphalt, dirt, trees, and (if you're playing chicken with a triathlete) pointy 'aero'-things. Although I'm beginning to think that the lines tend to blur between actively trying to hurt myself and doing things that end with an unusually high probability of failure.
My dad always taught me to work hard and play harder. Work is boring (so I just don't do it), but when it comes to play, I always have a blast. Though the funny thing is that my dad also taught me to always put safety first. I'm usually pretty diligent when it comes to locking doors, avoiding hairy situations/people, driving, and wearing protection (when working on cars, houses, etc; get your mind out of the gutter). But all that talk about safety goes out the window when 'fun' is involved. For some reason, what's most fun for me is doing the things that I'm not legally, technically, athletically, or physically capable of doing. Drinking and mountain biking is a great example. Its fun, its illegal (if its in a public park), and it conflicts with a cyclist's physical need for 'balance' when operating a bicycle. Sure, I've gotten hurt, but I always get back up. Sometimes I feel I take these risks because I underestimate the physical harm that cycling can do to me. "I'm not going that fast" or "those buses will totally stop in time" are usual the thoughts that go through my head. Every time I throw my leg over a bike, I revert back to the retarded adhd elementary school kid I used to be. I feel like I need to do some more experimentation with these two danger and fun factors. I'm pretty convinced the two cannot be separated. I tried playing chess once. The police report filed after the match noted that several of the chess pieces were missing, only to be found inside the stomach of my "opponent." Psht. Some opponent. He only managed to eat three pawns and a knight, and couldn't even stomach the rook.
My dad always taught me to work hard and play harder. Work is boring (so I just don't do it), but when it comes to play, I always have a blast. Though the funny thing is that my dad also taught me to always put safety first. I'm usually pretty diligent when it comes to locking doors, avoiding hairy situations/people, driving, and wearing protection (when working on cars, houses, etc; get your mind out of the gutter). But all that talk about safety goes out the window when 'fun' is involved. For some reason, what's most fun for me is doing the things that I'm not legally, technically, athletically, or physically capable of doing. Drinking and mountain biking is a great example. Its fun, its illegal (if its in a public park), and it conflicts with a cyclist's physical need for 'balance' when operating a bicycle. Sure, I've gotten hurt, but I always get back up. Sometimes I feel I take these risks because I underestimate the physical harm that cycling can do to me. "I'm not going that fast" or "those buses will totally stop in time" are usual the thoughts that go through my head. Every time I throw my leg over a bike, I revert back to the retarded adhd elementary school kid I used to be. I feel like I need to do some more experimentation with these two danger and fun factors. I'm pretty convinced the two cannot be separated. I tried playing chess once. The police report filed after the match noted that several of the chess pieces were missing, only to be found inside the stomach of my "opponent." Psht. Some opponent. He only managed to eat three pawns and a knight, and couldn't even stomach the rook.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Dr. Cyvant
Went to pick up my new glasses today. They're pretty much the same as the last pair I had, but with a thicker rim and make me look a bit more like a nerd/hipster. If you've never been to the optometrists, it begins with an eye exam. Your eyes are invaded by puffs of air, bright lights, and giant-headed eye doctors. You're told to decipher cryptic hieroglyphics in a dark room a la Tomb Raider. It helps if you're sober while doing this, but not necessary. Where alcohol best comes into play is when you're searching for your next pair of glasses. There are so many ridiculous frame styles that I was tempted to buy the pair in which people would be least likely to talk to me. I also asked one of the male employees if they had x-ray glasses. They don't (and now think I'm creepy and weird). I did notice one thing though. People go to the optometrists because they share something in common: poor vision. They come from all walks of life and each choose a corrective measure to address their vision. Contacts are usually the easy way out. That way no one needs to know your eyes suck, until you lose a contact behind your eyeball and do the whole looking at the ceiling while poking your eye trick. A good pair of glasses can in many cases be representative of one's personality (as cliché as that sounds) or at least how one wants to be portrayed to society. People who go to the optometrists go with a common problem and a sense of self-expression and they do so calmly and with a certain level-headedness.
I think it would interesting to see a bike shop operate in such a sterile and purposeful manner. People would come in for something specific and I, Dr. Cyvant, would exam and prescribe the necessary bike medicine.
Scenario One:
Drunk:
"Doc, I'm in need of a bike. I just got my 16th DUI and they've suspended my license. I'm relatively athletic and would prefer something on the faster side. I just need something to get me to work and to the bar."
Dr. I. C.:
"Word, yo. I got you covered. I'd recommend a [cheap steel road bike] with hand-built wheels and a flask-holding bottle cage."
Scenario Two:
Tool:
"Doc. I'm doing a triathlon tomor-"
Dr. I. C.:
"Get out of my shop"
Scenario Three:
Hipster:
"Doc, I need a pair of glow-in-the-dark NJS-certified valve caps for my Bianchi Pista. I've got this rad alley cat to hit up tonight, brah"
Dr. I.C.:
[begins drinking heavily while smashing hand with hammer so as to never have to work in bicycle industry again]
Ultimately, no matter how special or unique a shop is, it is still a part of the retail industry. Creating cycling happiness isn't the responsibility of a shop's employees, selling products is. People can be sold these things for several reasons. It doesn't matter if the customer is buying a bike because cycling makes them happy or because, in case of nuclear holocaust or terrorist attack, it would be easier to leave the city via 20" folding bicycle (ed. - true story). Its a bum situation to be in, when it comes to working at a shop. Aside from the discounts, you want to work there because you feel that cycling is, simply put, a good thing. It sucks to have someone come in, who doesn't even enjoy bicycles, and impose their ridiculous expectations on you. Maybe that's why I fight with hobos so much. They don't give me any shit...and always help me up after they've kicked my ass.
Addendum:
I wouldn't be a fake doctor, like "Dr." Phil. I'd have to create a doctorate program for "cycling industrialists". I'd be Dr. Idiot Cyvant Ph.D C.I.
I think it would interesting to see a bike shop operate in such a sterile and purposeful manner. People would come in for something specific and I, Dr. Cyvant, would exam and prescribe the necessary bike medicine.
Scenario One:
Drunk:
"Doc, I'm in need of a bike. I just got my 16th DUI and they've suspended my license. I'm relatively athletic and would prefer something on the faster side. I just need something to get me to work and to the bar."
Dr. I. C.:
"Word, yo. I got you covered. I'd recommend a [cheap steel road bike] with hand-built wheels and a flask-holding bottle cage."
Scenario Two:
Tool:
"Doc. I'm doing a triathlon tomor-"
Dr. I. C.:
"Get out of my shop"
Scenario Three:
Hipster:
"Doc, I need a pair of glow-in-the-dark NJS-certified valve caps for my Bianchi Pista. I've got this rad alley cat to hit up tonight, brah"
Dr. I.C.:
[begins drinking heavily while smashing hand with hammer so as to never have to work in bicycle industry again]
Ultimately, no matter how special or unique a shop is, it is still a part of the retail industry. Creating cycling happiness isn't the responsibility of a shop's employees, selling products is. People can be sold these things for several reasons. It doesn't matter if the customer is buying a bike because cycling makes them happy or because, in case of nuclear holocaust or terrorist attack, it would be easier to leave the city via 20" folding bicycle (ed. - true story). Its a bum situation to be in, when it comes to working at a shop. Aside from the discounts, you want to work there because you feel that cycling is, simply put, a good thing. It sucks to have someone come in, who doesn't even enjoy bicycles, and impose their ridiculous expectations on you. Maybe that's why I fight with hobos so much. They don't give me any shit...and always help me up after they've kicked my ass.
Addendum:
I wouldn't be a fake doctor, like "Dr." Phil. I'd have to create a doctorate program for "cycling industrialists". I'd be Dr. Idiot Cyvant Ph.D C.I.
Friday, January 25, 2008
This Shit is Gonna be Gnarly
In the news today. WaPo printed an article concerning the upcoming Olympics in Beijing titled "This Shit is Gonna be Gnarly". Apparently the U.S. marathon team is testing some new facemasks, which they'll wear in competition to help curb the harmful effects of the air pollution. While the masks would hinder performance, they'll keep the athletes from getting black lung and essentially dying. They might not die from the physically debilitating effects of the pollution, but it takes no stretch of the imagination to see a 98 lb endurance runner out of a job (that 'job' being running), unable to support his insanely high metabolism, and thus withering away and dying. U.S. mountain biker, Jeremy Horgan-Kobelski recently competed in a race in Beijing only to be forced to abandon after his body shut down and he began vomiting half way through a 30 mile race. Of the 47 entrants, only eight actually finished the race. Two of the racers that finished were teenage mutant ninja turtles who had been residing in Beijing's sewer system for several year ("Radical, dude!"). Even athletes in less aerobically-intense sports are suffering. Several boxers now have to do their 20-minute training runs in the hallways of their hotels, while busing food trays and offering turn down services to guests. "Take it! Its a fucking chocolate. Its not a tumah!" Also, rumor has it that the entire US aquatics division (including synchronized swimming) will be competing with scuba gear and, due to protests from PETA, the equestrian team will no longer be using real horses. Instead, competitors will have toy stuffed horse heads attached to IOC-approved 'broom sticks' and gallop around making horse-like noises (whinee!! neiigh!) as someone in the background claps two coconut halves together.
Remember a couple years ago when no one was certain if Athens would get its act together and build their Olympic stadiums in time? Well this year the uncertainty rests on the ability of the Chinese to provide oxygen. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? This country can't even provide AIR for the athletes. In my honest opinion it can't be that hard for the IOC to pick a host city for the Olympics. Nations present their proposals and the IOC picks the one that best meets certain criteria. Land? Check. Ability to build a stadium? Check. Somehow each and every member of the IOC forgot about to check "no/non/nein/não/нет/nr/不" next to the box that said "Can country provide simple, life-sustaining oxygen for human beings?". This year, we might as well have the Olympics on the moon.
If I understand this article correctly, athletes will now have to dress like half-naked ninjas and compete with underage mutant turtles, all while risking possible career ending damage to their respiratory systems. Looks like Beijing's chief export this summer with be jobless, former-Olympic contenders.
Oh and the article also pointed out that the food in Beijing might be laden with steroids, pesticides, and carcinogens. Fuckin' A! This shit is gonna be gnarly.
On another note, I found a triathlete in California without ever having to talk to him. Isn't technology awesome?
Remember a couple years ago when no one was certain if Athens would get its act together and build their Olympic stadiums in time? Well this year the uncertainty rests on the ability of the Chinese to provide oxygen. Who the fuck thought this was a good idea? This country can't even provide AIR for the athletes. In my honest opinion it can't be that hard for the IOC to pick a host city for the Olympics. Nations present their proposals and the IOC picks the one that best meets certain criteria. Land? Check. Ability to build a stadium? Check. Somehow each and every member of the IOC forgot about to check "no/non/nein/não/нет/nr/不" next to the box that said "Can country provide simple, life-sustaining oxygen for human beings?". This year, we might as well have the Olympics on the moon.
If I understand this article correctly, athletes will now have to dress like half-naked ninjas and compete with underage mutant turtles, all while risking possible career ending damage to their respiratory systems. Looks like Beijing's chief export this summer with be jobless, former-Olympic contenders.
Oh and the article also pointed out that the food in Beijing might be laden with steroids, pesticides, and carcinogens. Fuckin' A! This shit is gonna be gnarly.
On another note, I found a triathlete in California without ever having to talk to him. Isn't technology awesome?
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Bumper Stickers
You know how some people hate bumper stickers? They have the whole "I don't want to know what people's opinions are" attitude. I'm pretty much indifferent to this concept. It's someone's personal property and if they want it to look like a New York billboard with tourettes so be it. However, I do understand that these complaints aren't unfounded. They can be relatively offensive and are guaranteed to be obnoxious. Personally, I don't really care if someone's little brat is on honor role at ADHD Elementary or if you'd rather be fishing, bowling, hunting, or clubbing baby seals. Whether or not they get on your nerves, bumper stickers do get you thinking a little.
I would consider my bike to be my primary mode of transportation and bumper stickers got me thinking about what I'd like people to know about me when I ride. Some slogans that come to mind would be clichés like "my other bike is a bike", "$0.00/gal.", and "Hey, fuck you". Still, I don't think its really necessary. Cyclists are pretty transparent as far as their message to the world is concerned. A commuter riding in the hard winter months usually comes off as "hardcore" or "dedicated". BMXers are seen as the punk kids of the group; jumping around here and there. Road racers tend to be the more "serious" of the bunch, focusing on power output, cadence, heart rate, and ball (bearing) size. Images of mountain bikers vary from the go-fast superlight XCers to the daredevil, 'gnarly' downhill/freeriders. Aesthetics can tell you a lot about why and how a person rides, but sometimes you get mixed messages.
Fat riders
Fat riders are a funny lot. That's not to say that I always ridicule overweight people when they exercise, though sometimes I might dangle a pint of ice cream in front of their face. Fat riders are like the penguins of the cycling world. They're not particularly speedy and are fun to watch in certain situations (i.e. Cat 5 races). Things get especially entertaining when their bikes cost more than their squared weight in kilograms; a common measurement in the cycling industry known as Idiot Cyvant's Fat Rich Ignorant Cyclist Ratio (or the FRIC's ratio for short). Violators of the FRICs ratio can typically be seen stylishly clothed in a Assos or DeMarchi XXL kit or wearing which ever ProTour team kit that has Colnago or Pinarello on the jersey despite not being able to pronounce the team's name ("CASE Dee PargNEE?"). Nothing but the best graces these bikes from full Campy Record to integrated carbon fiber bar and stem. Even weight-restricted carbon-Ti pedals are a must for FRICs, who disregard those weight limits as only pertaining to people that actually get out of their saddle when they ride and aren't hoisted onto the saddle via forklift.
Recumbent riders
Ok, so some might have back problems, but a majority of them are just abnormal. Its like they're little kids pretending to travel in pedal-powered space pods. Cycling can be a pretty relaxed sport, but what's next? Bicycle laser tag? Carbon fiber E-Z Boy recumbents? I bet I could make a pretty penny inviting all the area recumbent riders to a velodrome for some night-time, psychedelic, Star Wars theme 'battle' of the geeks. They'd all swarm around the track going "ppeewwww! pewww!" and point at each other as if shooting fake photon beams. I'd be the Death Star and pick off these 'cyclists' with a paintball gun. May the force be with you, dork.
'Rest'-bar riders
Its time to change it up a bit. Complaining about triathletes can get tiresome. Sometimes you have to point the finger at everyone else with aerobars. I know its hard to identify the differences between a non-competitive triathlete and someone who just looks funny riding their bikes. Clip-on aerobars are no longer a telltale sign of someone who enters into supposed 'race' events. Hardcore recreationalists now choose to add aerobars to their arsenal of comfort equipment, which rounds out a list including 'suspension' forks, elastomer wishbone seatstays, bar phat, ergonomic grips, miniature pogo sticks that double as seatposts, and saddles that double as floatation devices.
Each of these riders choose to say something outside of the ordinary. Considering the fact that cycling isn't really a mainstream sport in this country, their ability to go outside of the norms that even most cyclists adhere to really is a testament to their audacious nature. They are the fat, the recumbent, and the relaxed. They are the bumper stickers of the cycling world. Some people hate them (I know I do on occasion), but they are a necessary reminder to all of us not to take cycling too seriously and that it's ok to be a little ridiculous.
I would consider my bike to be my primary mode of transportation and bumper stickers got me thinking about what I'd like people to know about me when I ride. Some slogans that come to mind would be clichés like "my other bike is a bike", "$0.00/gal.", and "Hey, fuck you". Still, I don't think its really necessary. Cyclists are pretty transparent as far as their message to the world is concerned. A commuter riding in the hard winter months usually comes off as "hardcore" or "dedicated". BMXers are seen as the punk kids of the group; jumping around here and there. Road racers tend to be the more "serious" of the bunch, focusing on power output, cadence, heart rate, and ball (bearing) size. Images of mountain bikers vary from the go-fast superlight XCers to the daredevil, 'gnarly' downhill/freeriders. Aesthetics can tell you a lot about why and how a person rides, but sometimes you get mixed messages.
Fat riders
Fat riders are a funny lot. That's not to say that I always ridicule overweight people when they exercise, though sometimes I might dangle a pint of ice cream in front of their face. Fat riders are like the penguins of the cycling world. They're not particularly speedy and are fun to watch in certain situations (i.e. Cat 5 races). Things get especially entertaining when their bikes cost more than their squared weight in kilograms; a common measurement in the cycling industry known as Idiot Cyvant's Fat Rich Ignorant Cyclist Ratio (or the FRIC's ratio for short). Violators of the FRICs ratio can typically be seen stylishly clothed in a Assos or DeMarchi XXL kit or wearing which ever ProTour team kit that has Colnago or Pinarello on the jersey despite not being able to pronounce the team's name ("CASE Dee PargNEE?"). Nothing but the best graces these bikes from full Campy Record to integrated carbon fiber bar and stem. Even weight-restricted carbon-Ti pedals are a must for FRICs, who disregard those weight limits as only pertaining to people that actually get out of their saddle when they ride and aren't hoisted onto the saddle via forklift.
Recumbent riders
Ok, so some might have back problems, but a majority of them are just abnormal. Its like they're little kids pretending to travel in pedal-powered space pods. Cycling can be a pretty relaxed sport, but what's next? Bicycle laser tag? Carbon fiber E-Z Boy recumbents? I bet I could make a pretty penny inviting all the area recumbent riders to a velodrome for some night-time, psychedelic, Star Wars theme 'battle' of the geeks. They'd all swarm around the track going "ppeewwww! pewww!" and point at each other as if shooting fake photon beams. I'd be the Death Star and pick off these 'cyclists' with a paintball gun. May the force be with you, dork.
'Rest'-bar riders
Its time to change it up a bit. Complaining about triathletes can get tiresome. Sometimes you have to point the finger at everyone else with aerobars. I know its hard to identify the differences between a non-competitive triathlete and someone who just looks funny riding their bikes. Clip-on aerobars are no longer a telltale sign of someone who enters into supposed 'race' events. Hardcore recreationalists now choose to add aerobars to their arsenal of comfort equipment, which rounds out a list including 'suspension' forks, elastomer wishbone seatstays, bar phat, ergonomic grips, miniature pogo sticks that double as seatposts, and saddles that double as floatation devices.
Each of these riders choose to say something outside of the ordinary. Considering the fact that cycling isn't really a mainstream sport in this country, their ability to go outside of the norms that even most cyclists adhere to really is a testament to their audacious nature. They are the fat, the recumbent, and the relaxed. They are the bumper stickers of the cycling world. Some people hate them (I know I do on occasion), but they are a necessary reminder to all of us not to take cycling too seriously and that it's ok to be a little ridiculous.
Monday, January 21, 2008
On Beer
Three day weekends are great. It's 3pm and I just woke up. I totaled12hrs of sleep and it was friggin awesome. Yes, I probably should have been more productive with my day off. But it was fucking cold. So cold, in fact, that Capt. Powerlegs went out and probably got frostbite on his toes. If it's twenty-something degrees outside, you'll know where to find me: indoors (and probably drunk).
Beer seems to be a common denominator among cyclists, good beer to be particular. Cycling as a sport allows its cyclist to have relatively high standards when it comes to drinking. We burn a lot of calories so drinking a 'light' beer is an unnecessary practice in being a dumbass. Also, the fact that our BMI's are pretty small relative to other athletes who participate in drinking-related sports (e.g. rugby, bowling, etc) allows us to maintain a low tolerance for alcohol. Many cyclists have gotten BUI citations after a night of drinking heavily from thimbles. High metabolism and low tolerance are a pretty good combination. It means that we'll usually choose from a variety of good hearty beers and not pay out the ass to have a good time. A good bit of my beer money goes to drinking beers from microbrews like Dogfish Head, Rogue, Magic Hat and Flying Dog. Sierra Nevada IPA is usually my go-to beer at bars, but I'm usually up for anything new, interesting, and potent.
Triathletes don't drink real beer. This is mostly because they are not real athletes. At the shop, we had done a good bit of pro bono work for this 'ironman' and, as is tradition in most shops, he bought us a case of beer as a sign of his gratitude. Just like everyone in the service industry, we always appreciate the appreciation, which makes this little rant all the more profound. I don't know if you've ever had Michelob Ultra, but its touted as the 'athlete's' beer. "4.2 % alcohol, 95 calories, 2.6 carbs" (WHOOP DEE DOO!) What they don't tell you is that what you're actually drinking is a wino's urine. Some beers have no taste (Bud Light, Busch, etc) and others taste like piss (Keystone, Natty, Beast). Now trust me when I tell you that only Mich Ultra tastes like ultra piss. No props go to the marketing team that helped develop the image of a beer for athletes. They were able to trick the most gullible, naive group of faux-athletes. They suckered the people who think that eating for their blood type actually helps. They've deceived the same people who run around on the bike trails with their fuel belts like some kind of fatass Rambo. They've duped the dummies who believe that simply participating in a 'sport' makes them superior athletes. Mich Ultra isn't some kind of wonder-beer. It is absolute piss. The only reason it's still sold is because the people that buy fake beer are the same people that pursue fake lives. It is drunken by people that don't understand the meaning of sports, and who similarly don't understand the meaning of beer. There isn't a universal definition of what a beer should be. But a beer that is touted for its low calorie and carb content is pretty much the fucking opposite of any common understanding of beers. Just like combining swimming, cycling, and running into a non-competitive jackass-friendly event negates any common understanding of sports. If you wanted to drink something that had low carbs and makes you seem more athletic/attractive, you shouldn't be drinking beer. You should be drinking water. You're the type of person no one wants to see drunk in a bar with your tiny tank exposing your midriff, arms temp-tattooed and sharpie'd with 'race numbers', and GU belt dangling below your protruding paunch. At this point you aren't promoting an image of athleticism or 'coolness'. You are however increasing the chances people will laugh at you for drinking pee.
Beer seems to be a common denominator among cyclists, good beer to be particular. Cycling as a sport allows its cyclist to have relatively high standards when it comes to drinking. We burn a lot of calories so drinking a 'light' beer is an unnecessary practice in being a dumbass. Also, the fact that our BMI's are pretty small relative to other athletes who participate in drinking-related sports (e.g. rugby, bowling, etc) allows us to maintain a low tolerance for alcohol. Many cyclists have gotten BUI citations after a night of drinking heavily from thimbles. High metabolism and low tolerance are a pretty good combination. It means that we'll usually choose from a variety of good hearty beers and not pay out the ass to have a good time. A good bit of my beer money goes to drinking beers from microbrews like Dogfish Head, Rogue, Magic Hat and Flying Dog. Sierra Nevada IPA is usually my go-to beer at bars, but I'm usually up for anything new, interesting, and potent.
Triathletes don't drink real beer. This is mostly because they are not real athletes. At the shop, we had done a good bit of pro bono work for this 'ironman' and, as is tradition in most shops, he bought us a case of beer as a sign of his gratitude. Just like everyone in the service industry, we always appreciate the appreciation, which makes this little rant all the more profound. I don't know if you've ever had Michelob Ultra, but its touted as the 'athlete's' beer. "4.2 % alcohol, 95 calories, 2.6 carbs" (WHOOP DEE DOO!) What they don't tell you is that what you're actually drinking is a wino's urine. Some beers have no taste (Bud Light, Busch, etc) and others taste like piss (Keystone, Natty, Beast). Now trust me when I tell you that only Mich Ultra tastes like ultra piss. No props go to the marketing team that helped develop the image of a beer for athletes. They were able to trick the most gullible, naive group of faux-athletes. They suckered the people who think that eating for their blood type actually helps. They've deceived the same people who run around on the bike trails with their fuel belts like some kind of fatass Rambo. They've duped the dummies who believe that simply participating in a 'sport' makes them superior athletes. Mich Ultra isn't some kind of wonder-beer. It is absolute piss. The only reason it's still sold is because the people that buy fake beer are the same people that pursue fake lives. It is drunken by people that don't understand the meaning of sports, and who similarly don't understand the meaning of beer. There isn't a universal definition of what a beer should be. But a beer that is touted for its low calorie and carb content is pretty much the fucking opposite of any common understanding of beers. Just like combining swimming, cycling, and running into a non-competitive jackass-friendly event negates any common understanding of sports. If you wanted to drink something that had low carbs and makes you seem more athletic/attractive, you shouldn't be drinking beer. You should be drinking water. You're the type of person no one wants to see drunk in a bar with your tiny tank exposing your midriff, arms temp-tattooed and sharpie'd with 'race numbers', and GU belt dangling below your protruding paunch. At this point you aren't promoting an image of athleticism or 'coolness'. You are however increasing the chances people will laugh at you for drinking pee.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Snow, Bikes, and Undermining the Buffness
It snowed again. But don't expect this city to come to its typical halt this time around, It's not supposed to get below freezing tonight and the rain is pretty much washing everything away. So we'll all be trudging ourselves to work and school tomorrow and more importantly, most cyclists will be stuck on their trainers, rollers, or, in my case, couch/chair/bed drinking beer.
Winter is a great season, not only for its dearth of triathletes, but because it offers a nice change of pace for weary cyclists and LBS's. A few months of downtime never hurt anyone, but I've noticed that a majority of dedicated cyclists tend to get a bit of cabin fever in January and February. This fever doesn't necessarily present itself in a dire urge to ride in 20 degree weather, although epic rides are made epic-er when frostbite, severe injury, and hot chocolate are involved. Another way cabin fever exhibits itself is by the sudden growth of new bikes. That's right, winter is also bike growing season, when cyclists' wallets are in full bloom. We grew three new bikes in this house in the past week. Capt. Powerlegs got a new TT and Race bike, and I got my Van Dessel. That brings the total to eight bikes between the two of us, not including two campus bikes and two friend's bikes. There are bike parts strewn about my entire room. The living room is covered in rollers, trainers, tools, dirt, and sweat. I'm pretty sure a few of my roommates hate us, but I could care less. While our bikes take up a lot of space relative to their tv, N64, and Wii, their fatasses take up a much greater space in proportion to me physically. Also, the fact that they're more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke and that I'd probably be the one hauling them out the door and to the hospital provides me with all the justification I need to house my bikes inside. "No bikes? No life saving!" has a nice ring to it doesn't it?
Oh wait, aren't we supposed to consider the Wii as exercise equipment now? That goes on the list of retarded crap that people do to be more 'fit'. It goes right along side Billy Blanks' Tae Bo, the Thighmaster, and hydrobics. I'm not quite sure what to make of these new sports that keep emerging. What happened to the good ol' days? The days when, if you liked to hit things, you'd box hobos or play football. The days when, if you had good appendage-eye coordination, you'd be on the soccer field or basketball court. The days when if you like to take naps you'd play baseball. And if you weren't good at any of those things, you ran. I'm not that old but it seems like nowadays people aren't physically active because they like what they're doing. They do it to follow some kind of stereotype of the 'healthy individual'. That's why the gym is such a depressing place. People go there to shape themselves into what a healthy athletic person should be, instead of simply being healthy and athletic. Lifting weights and cross training are great ways to train for certain sports, but lifting just for the sake of lifting is like getting a tan from a spray bottle. Gone now are the days when a built physique meant you were a strong, virile hunter-gatherer type. Even though being a hunter-gatherer is completely worthless now, gym rats are only a physical representation of what a healthy person should be. I call this "Undermining the Buffness". Looking 'built' or 'ripped' doesn't mean you're good at sports anymore, it might also mean that you try too hard at the gym manufacturing that look. Now if there's anything I don't want to look like, it's someone that actually tries to do something. I'm not saying I'm lazy (despite the fact that I really am), rather, I'm taking a more Yoda-like approach. Instead of trying to do or look like something, I'd rather simply be that person. I guess what I'm saying is spending time in the gym as an end in and of itself is pointless. It's a depressing meat factory, should only be used as a means to an end, and undermines the buffness.
Unfortunately I can't ban people from the gym or from being aero. That's fascism. Fascism is bad.
Winter is a great season, not only for its dearth of triathletes, but because it offers a nice change of pace for weary cyclists and LBS's. A few months of downtime never hurt anyone, but I've noticed that a majority of dedicated cyclists tend to get a bit of cabin fever in January and February. This fever doesn't necessarily present itself in a dire urge to ride in 20 degree weather, although epic rides are made epic-er when frostbite, severe injury, and hot chocolate are involved. Another way cabin fever exhibits itself is by the sudden growth of new bikes. That's right, winter is also bike growing season, when cyclists' wallets are in full bloom. We grew three new bikes in this house in the past week. Capt. Powerlegs got a new TT and Race bike, and I got my Van Dessel. That brings the total to eight bikes between the two of us, not including two campus bikes and two friend's bikes. There are bike parts strewn about my entire room. The living room is covered in rollers, trainers, tools, dirt, and sweat. I'm pretty sure a few of my roommates hate us, but I could care less. While our bikes take up a lot of space relative to their tv, N64, and Wii, their fatasses take up a much greater space in proportion to me physically. Also, the fact that they're more likely to die of a heart attack or stroke and that I'd probably be the one hauling them out the door and to the hospital provides me with all the justification I need to house my bikes inside. "No bikes? No life saving!" has a nice ring to it doesn't it?
Oh wait, aren't we supposed to consider the Wii as exercise equipment now? That goes on the list of retarded crap that people do to be more 'fit'. It goes right along side Billy Blanks' Tae Bo, the Thighmaster, and hydrobics. I'm not quite sure what to make of these new sports that keep emerging. What happened to the good ol' days? The days when, if you liked to hit things, you'd box hobos or play football. The days when, if you had good appendage-eye coordination, you'd be on the soccer field or basketball court. The days when if you like to take naps you'd play baseball. And if you weren't good at any of those things, you ran. I'm not that old but it seems like nowadays people aren't physically active because they like what they're doing. They do it to follow some kind of stereotype of the 'healthy individual'. That's why the gym is such a depressing place. People go there to shape themselves into what a healthy athletic person should be, instead of simply being healthy and athletic. Lifting weights and cross training are great ways to train for certain sports, but lifting just for the sake of lifting is like getting a tan from a spray bottle. Gone now are the days when a built physique meant you were a strong, virile hunter-gatherer type. Even though being a hunter-gatherer is completely worthless now, gym rats are only a physical representation of what a healthy person should be. I call this "Undermining the Buffness". Looking 'built' or 'ripped' doesn't mean you're good at sports anymore, it might also mean that you try too hard at the gym manufacturing that look. Now if there's anything I don't want to look like, it's someone that actually tries to do something. I'm not saying I'm lazy (despite the fact that I really am), rather, I'm taking a more Yoda-like approach. Instead of trying to do or look like something, I'd rather simply be that person. I guess what I'm saying is spending time in the gym as an end in and of itself is pointless. It's a depressing meat factory, should only be used as a means to an end, and undermines the buffness.
Unfortunately I can't ban people from the gym or from being aero. That's fascism. Fascism is bad.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Tattoos Redefined
There was a chain stain on my shirt today.
There was a chain stain on my shirt that I wore all day today.
There was a chain stain on the INSIDE of my shirt that I wore all day today.
The only possible explanation is that I've become a bicycle. It would seem that I've taken the whole 'surfer zen' thing a bit too far and I am now one with cycling. But does that mean that cycling is my one and only? What about drinking? And bum fights? I don't see mysterious tattoos of my latest rants about triathletes suddenly appearing on my skin either.
Tattoos have always been an iffy subject for me. On the one hand, it would up my intimidation factor a few notches from 'fuzzy bunny' to just plain 'regular bunny'. But on the other hand, its obviously a permanent thing so its important to get one that actually means something or risk looking like a retard. I used to do those stupid temporary tattoos when I was a young ruffian. The tribal tattoos were the best for looking badass (or like a character from Tekken), but sometimes they'd be unavailable so we'd go hardcore prison-style and use magic markers. Added bonus to magic markers in elementary school: getting 'high' off the fruity scented markers. Apparently, temp tats are making a comeback. You can see them on all sorts of athletes from boxers to bowlers. Hell, you can even see them on people that don't participate in competitive athletic events, like triathletes. Like so many of my rants, my annoyance with the whole 'tri phenomenon' (more aptly named the 'try-just-to-finish phenomenon') stems from its high visibility in mainstream media and the public misconception about the sport that it's actually supposed to be. Tattoos are yet another facet of whats wrong with triathlons. In a triathlon context, putting on a temp tat is the equivalent of putting on a sticker that says "I try good". Yes, that isn't proper queen's English, but it was a necessary sacrifice to make gains in aerodynamics. The word "well" has too much of a 'verticular' profile where as "good" is has a more gradually sloping shape (aka its more aerodynamic). Sure two-dimension stickers don't ever catch the wind, but like so many aspects of triathlons, it's not about how something actually performs, its about how it looks. All things considered, there are far worse things that triathletes do for the sole purpose of pissing me off. You mean there's something worse than some wrinkly old dude wearing a 'sponsorship' sticker on race day? How about a fucking MILLION triathletes getting permanent tattoos of that damn ironman logo? Honestly. what could be more special and unique than joining every other person that's completed an ironman in a collective act of trademark infringement? If I were President Ironman, I'd sue the shit out of every one of them and use the money to build a velodrome/bum fight arena and invent a new non-sport to replace triathlons called Bum Fights on Bikes. Then again, maybe I've just got it all wrong. Tattoos must all be about conformity and being uncreative. In that case, I'll take the tribal, bar code, Ford Motors, and faux-Chinese symbol for 'jackass' tattoos to go please!
By the way, this chick definitely needs three water bottles and zipp wheels to 'compete'. She's so fast that she can stop and pose for the camera, doing her famous half-tyrannosaurus impression, appropriately named "The Tri-rannosaurus". Fortunately for her, the ol' adage of the tortoise beating the hare doesn't apply in triathlons because tortoises can neither swim nor bike, thus putting him out of contention of any form of foot race. This is a well documented fact that I learned whilst high on watermelon-scented tattoos.
Oh and one more thing: THUMBS UP, Brah, for being AERO!
Ok, I'm off to do some damn laundry.
There was a chain stain on my shirt that I wore all day today.
There was a chain stain on the INSIDE of my shirt that I wore all day today.
The only possible explanation is that I've become a bicycle. It would seem that I've taken the whole 'surfer zen' thing a bit too far and I am now one with cycling. But does that mean that cycling is my one and only? What about drinking? And bum fights? I don't see mysterious tattoos of my latest rants about triathletes suddenly appearing on my skin either.
Tattoos have always been an iffy subject for me. On the one hand, it would up my intimidation factor a few notches from 'fuzzy bunny' to just plain 'regular bunny'. But on the other hand, its obviously a permanent thing so its important to get one that actually means something or risk looking like a retard. I used to do those stupid temporary tattoos when I was a young ruffian. The tribal tattoos were the best for looking badass (or like a character from Tekken), but sometimes they'd be unavailable so we'd go hardcore prison-style and use magic markers. Added bonus to magic markers in elementary school: getting 'high' off the fruity scented markers. Apparently, temp tats are making a comeback. You can see them on all sorts of athletes from boxers to bowlers. Hell, you can even see them on people that don't participate in competitive athletic events, like triathletes. Like so many of my rants, my annoyance with the whole 'tri phenomenon' (more aptly named the 'try-just-to-finish phenomenon') stems from its high visibility in mainstream media and the public misconception about the sport that it's actually supposed to be. Tattoos are yet another facet of whats wrong with triathlons. In a triathlon context, putting on a temp tat is the equivalent of putting on a sticker that says "I try good". Yes, that isn't proper queen's English, but it was a necessary sacrifice to make gains in aerodynamics. The word "well" has too much of a 'verticular' profile where as "good" is has a more gradually sloping shape (aka its more aerodynamic). Sure two-dimension stickers don't ever catch the wind, but like so many aspects of triathlons, it's not about how something actually performs, its about how it looks. All things considered, there are far worse things that triathletes do for the sole purpose of pissing me off. You mean there's something worse than some wrinkly old dude wearing a 'sponsorship' sticker on race day? How about a fucking MILLION triathletes getting permanent tattoos of that damn ironman logo? Honestly. what could be more special and unique than joining every other person that's completed an ironman in a collective act of trademark infringement? If I were President Ironman, I'd sue the shit out of every one of them and use the money to build a velodrome/bum fight arena and invent a new non-sport to replace triathlons called Bum Fights on Bikes. Then again, maybe I've just got it all wrong. Tattoos must all be about conformity and being uncreative. In that case, I'll take the tribal, bar code, Ford Motors, and faux-Chinese symbol for 'jackass' tattoos to go please!
By the way, this chick definitely needs three water bottles and zipp wheels to 'compete'. She's so fast that she can stop and pose for the camera, doing her famous half-tyrannosaurus impression, appropriately named "The Tri-rannosaurus". Fortunately for her, the ol' adage of the tortoise beating the hare doesn't apply in triathlons because tortoises can neither swim nor bike, thus putting him out of contention of any form of foot race. This is a well documented fact that I learned whilst high on watermelon-scented tattoos.
Oh and one more thing: THUMBS UP, Brah, for being AERO!
Ok, I'm off to do some damn laundry.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Weapon of Choice
It was time for a new bike. I missed that good ol' Specialized. As a race bike it was [insert description of what you think a race bike should be (x3)], but best of all it was a joy to ride. Also, it was cheap enough that I didn't have to worry about dings or scratches. It was something you could simply ride and worry about other things, like my legs and lungs catching on fire as I get spat out the back of a Cat 7 road race to the nearest hipster coffee shop. Considering my frame was totaled at the end of the season and I have a spare road bike, I wasn't too worried. Who needs an uber fast race machine when they're biking to pick up booze and baseball bats for upcoming hobo fights? (yes, fortunately hobo fighting season is in the fall/winter) I decided to take my time and weigh my options. My shop carries Treks, Giants, Gunnars, and Orbeas. We also have the option of ordering BMCs and Salsas from a parts distributor. My price cap was hovering around $650 for a frameset because I also needed to replace several other parts on the bike (note: $650 is shop prices, MSRP's are typically 35-50% more than what I pay). It turns out that none of those manufacturers really make an affordable, race-worthy frameset out of aluminum and carbon. Nearly everything has been polarized between carbon frames and cheap Aluminum. I was fortunate enough to get a sweet deal from our team sponsor and $1200 later (again, at shop cost), I've emerged with a bit more of a bike than what I had originally imagined. Saturday, I built up my Van Dessel Solstice using most of the parts from my old bike and new parts that replaced ones FUBAR'd in my last crash. Sunday, I rode it for the first time. For five hours. We call that a 'break-in ride' for dumbasses. After 85 miles, my ass is still a smoldering heap of ashes, saddle sore, and depleted carbohydrates. Fortunately for me, this bike is pretty much flawless and easily puts a smile on my face. If my previous race bike was great, this bike is incredible. I'm not one for writing bike reviews. Riding bikes is such a subjective experience and all reviews end up being a regurgitation of the same marketing terms. But for the record, it rides just like everyone says nice carbon rides (barf: smooth, stiff, etc). I went a size down on the frame and it turns out that was a pretty damn good idea. Moving a size down allows me to distribute my weight further across the bike which, from the little riding I've done, makes this bike handles like a champ. If I could only get my legs to turn over in a semi-racer-like fashion all would be well. The season starts next month and my training plan has gone pretty much the way I'd expected it to (read: my tolerance for alcohol is amazing).
Friday, January 11, 2008
Rock & Rollers
Sometimes I wish I was a rock star. I'd love to have that kind of life. Party all night (or ride my bike). Make tons of money for having fun and doing crazy stuff like driving cars into swimming pools. If I were a rock star, no one would question me when I picked fights with hobos. And I wouldn't be a trashy K-Fed-esque celebrity. I'd be a classic rock and roller. Unfortunately, I grew up with the violin (like every other good little Asian kid who didn't already play the piano) so I'll leave the rock star allusions to you guys. The point is it'd be fun as hell to be flashy, brash, and obnoxious and have everyone applaud you for it.
You can't do that with a violin. You'd end up in a leather vest and leather chaps on tour with Shania Twain (or worse). All the epileptic seizures and strap-on electric violins will bring you anywhere close to being a rock legend. I'd caution anyone trying to make it big via classical instruments. We all know very well how that ends up. Its cool to be good at violin within a certain context. Symphony orchestra? Yes. Quartet? Even better. Hair "metal" band? Don't think so. Needless to say, it is extremely difficult to be a rockstar with a violin. It is difficult to the point that pursuing it as a goal is essentially pointless.
The same can be said about the world of cycling. While still not yet considered a mainstream sport in the US, it still draws some parallels with rock and rollers. The outfits are pretty similar at times. Its pretty easy to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. Also, both rock and cycling have their polarizing moments. Rock has been labeled as devil's music throughout the decades and cycling sure hasn't had an easy time gaining support in the court of public opinion. Attempts to make cycling cool have resulted in dimples on everything, stupid-light competitions, fat old men wearing full Gerolsteiner/Disco kits or Pink Floyd jerseys, and a whole slew of retarded crap. Cycling as a sport needs to find itself again. Not by having a French rider win Le Tour, but by promoting the aspects that make it a joy to ride a bike. Long epic rides, self-sufficient transportation, and being 'green' are all great reasons to ride a bike. But it's important to recognize that everyone has their own personal reasons for it. There isn't a 'cool' or 'uncool' way to ride a bike. That's bullshit groupthink type stuff. People are conditioned into believing certain notions about how a cyclist should look and ride. This is accomplished through media, their social circles, and just plain ignorance. Who's to say I can't ride the rollers backwards? Well fuck them, because I have and will do whatever the hell I please with my bike. Another example would be cycling clothing. It is not style. There's a reason why no one looks good in it. It is equipment. As its price increases, you don't gain any additional cool points. You gain comfort, breathability, and range of motion. Being flashy and showy, like with violinists, just doesn't work very well for cyclist. You usually end up looking like a pompous ass. Honestly, does anyone want to be friends with "That Guy"? The point is there are many people who worry about the most irrelevant aspects of cycling and it takes away from the beauty and simplicity of the sport. Thats why I sometimes wish I was a rock star. There are certain characteristics that that role implies. I don't want cycling to transform into someone's definition of 'cool'. It's not about creating some kind of sick amalgamation of cyclist, rocker, and violinist. I don't care that I sound like every other non-conforming conformist. Seriously, just ride dammit.
You can't do that with a violin. You'd end up in a leather vest and leather chaps on tour with Shania Twain (or worse). All the epileptic seizures and strap-on electric violins will bring you anywhere close to being a rock legend. I'd caution anyone trying to make it big via classical instruments. We all know very well how that ends up. Its cool to be good at violin within a certain context. Symphony orchestra? Yes. Quartet? Even better. Hair "metal" band? Don't think so. Needless to say, it is extremely difficult to be a rockstar with a violin. It is difficult to the point that pursuing it as a goal is essentially pointless.
The same can be said about the world of cycling. While still not yet considered a mainstream sport in the US, it still draws some parallels with rock and rollers. The outfits are pretty similar at times. Its pretty easy to get mixed in with the wrong crowd. Also, both rock and cycling have their polarizing moments. Rock has been labeled as devil's music throughout the decades and cycling sure hasn't had an easy time gaining support in the court of public opinion. Attempts to make cycling cool have resulted in dimples on everything, stupid-light competitions, fat old men wearing full Gerolsteiner/Disco kits or Pink Floyd jerseys, and a whole slew of retarded crap. Cycling as a sport needs to find itself again. Not by having a French rider win Le Tour, but by promoting the aspects that make it a joy to ride a bike. Long epic rides, self-sufficient transportation, and being 'green' are all great reasons to ride a bike. But it's important to recognize that everyone has their own personal reasons for it. There isn't a 'cool' or 'uncool' way to ride a bike. That's bullshit groupthink type stuff. People are conditioned into believing certain notions about how a cyclist should look and ride. This is accomplished through media, their social circles, and just plain ignorance. Who's to say I can't ride the rollers backwards? Well fuck them, because I have and will do whatever the hell I please with my bike. Another example would be cycling clothing. It is not style. There's a reason why no one looks good in it. It is equipment. As its price increases, you don't gain any additional cool points. You gain comfort, breathability, and range of motion. Being flashy and showy, like with violinists, just doesn't work very well for cyclist. You usually end up looking like a pompous ass. Honestly, does anyone want to be friends with "That Guy"? The point is there are many people who worry about the most irrelevant aspects of cycling and it takes away from the beauty and simplicity of the sport. Thats why I sometimes wish I was a rock star. There are certain characteristics that that role implies. I don't want cycling to transform into someone's definition of 'cool'. It's not about creating some kind of sick amalgamation of cyclist, rocker, and violinist. I don't care that I sound like every other non-conforming conformist. Seriously, just ride dammit.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
Ellipticals
I've been in kind of a rut lately as far as writing is concerned. So here are a few things that I've been randomly thinking about:
I fucking love cereal but unfortunately for me, I currently have a headache. My consumption of the crunchy goodness that is this box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios is limited only by the fact that every time I chomp down on a handful, my head hurts all that much more.
From what I've seen in my grueling research, triathletes will be triathletes no matter what season it is. It is not simply about competing in a triathlon. For them, it's a lifestyle.
It includes, but is not limited to:
- Harassing LBS employees about random bike issues that don't make them any more competitive
- Making random shit up about training concepts that have no empirical scientific evidence.
- Riding their "tri"-bikes in the winter with no race in sight for months and six layers of 1980's windbreakers and nothing but bike shorts (what the hell are tendons?)
The point is that they always find an awkward means to pursue a pointless end. This counts especially for the ones who don't do triathlons to 'compete' but rather just to 'finish'. These people are like the ones who justify eating a gallon tub of ice cream because they broke a sweat on the elliptical. In fact, the two probably ride/walk/flail on machines adjacent to each other. I'm not expert, but I'd say that triathletes should train on ellipticals because it is the most efficient method of training. Your legs spin around in circles, almost exactly like they do when they're on the bike. Also you're on your feet similar to the position you'll be in when you hobble along in a jog. Added bonuses include:
- Being in a safe environment free from car accidents and harassment by a majority of the general public who properly use bike lanes and paths
- Close proximity to mirrors (Tan lines, man)
- Close proximity to other triathletes (aka the tri leading the tri effect or FUBAR for short)
Now if we could only devise a complicated and expensive way to submerge the elliptical in a pool. Then triathletes who don't want to compete would have the option of having the most efficient training tool so they could train for nothing. PLUS, they'd run the risk of drowning too (always a plus in my book).
ENDNOTE:
No, I do not genuinely wish death upon triathletes. They are humans too.
I fucking love cereal but unfortunately for me, I currently have a headache. My consumption of the crunchy goodness that is this box of Apple Cinnamon Cheerios is limited only by the fact that every time I chomp down on a handful, my head hurts all that much more.
From what I've seen in my grueling research, triathletes will be triathletes no matter what season it is. It is not simply about competing in a triathlon. For them, it's a lifestyle.
It includes, but is not limited to:
- Harassing LBS employees about random bike issues that don't make them any more competitive
- Making random shit up about training concepts that have no empirical scientific evidence.
- Riding their "tri"-bikes in the winter with no race in sight for months and six layers of 1980's windbreakers and nothing but bike shorts (what the hell are tendons?)
The point is that they always find an awkward means to pursue a pointless end. This counts especially for the ones who don't do triathlons to 'compete' but rather just to 'finish'. These people are like the ones who justify eating a gallon tub of ice cream because they broke a sweat on the elliptical. In fact, the two probably ride/walk/flail on machines adjacent to each other. I'm not expert, but I'd say that triathletes should train on ellipticals because it is the most efficient method of training. Your legs spin around in circles, almost exactly like they do when they're on the bike. Also you're on your feet similar to the position you'll be in when you hobble along in a jog. Added bonuses include:
- Being in a safe environment free from car accidents and harassment by a majority of the general public who properly use bike lanes and paths
- Close proximity to mirrors (Tan lines, man)
- Close proximity to other triathletes (aka the tri leading the tri effect or FUBAR for short)
Now if we could only devise a complicated and expensive way to submerge the elliptical in a pool. Then triathletes who don't want to compete would have the option of having the most efficient training tool so they could train for nothing. PLUS, they'd run the risk of drowning too (always a plus in my book).
ENDNOTE:
No, I do not genuinely wish death upon triathletes. They are humans too.
Saturday, January 5, 2008
Simple!
What drives a person to spend as much as they do on a bicycle? We've had people come in and drop upwards of 7 grand on bikes like it was nothing, while others quibble over the slightest price increase on an entry-level $400 hybrid. It would be easy to classify those big spenders as "cyclists" and the more frugal ones as "bitches" *ahem*....I mean "non-cyclists", but I think its more than that. Since we were young, if we were lucky enough to have had a bike, we saw cycling as one of the simple pleasures in life. Firstly, we didn't buy our first bike. It was either handed down to us or bought for us by parents/grandparents/Santa. Secondly, we never had to fix the bikes. What could ever go wrong with a single speed bike with training wheels and a coaster brake? If anything were to go wrong on those bikes, it'd be the tires and even then someone else would deal with it. Thirdly, there were no other responsibilities associated with owning a bike. You never had to worry about locking it up outside a Starbucks or a favorite "dive" hipster bar. You didn't have to worry about getting hit by a car or getting ticketed by overzealous suburban police. You don't find yourself complaining about traffic, pedestrians, triathletes, or hobos itching for a fight. Instead, you'd find them all complaining about you.
Those were simpler times.
Now it's pretty much the opposite. All those stressful factors are now realized and as your responsibilities have grown in your life outside of cycling so have the forces dissuading you from riding a bike. There are those who try to force themselves to relive a time long lost by buying the cheapest, most worthless piece of shit bike. Unfortunately for them, they're approximately 100-200lbs heavier than they were when they first started riding and simply can't get away with riding a "reasonably-priced" bike from Walmart. Others spend copious amounts of money in an attempt to justify their presence on the road. It doesn't work. Trust me, cars will run over whether you're drunk, sober, biked, non-biked, or en-Segway. All buying an expensive bike means is that you have an expensive bike, and that's only relative to other people's bikes. It also it implies that you're probably a racer, old fogie, triathlete, or an asshole. Surprisingly, asshole and triathlete are synonyms according to Websters. Admittedly, I probably fall under both the racer and asshole catagories (primarily the latter). I do spend a good bit of my money on bike stuff but don't necessarily feel a sense of entitlement on the road or at the shop because of it. I'd consider myself to be one with the traffic. Not in a "zen"-bullshit kind of way, but as one with equal rights as the cars I ride beside. Special lanes and signs are great but unnecessary. I'd rather just get hit by a car and team up with the nearest hobo and kick the crap out of the driver. See? Simple!
Or, y'know...whatever. Maybe some people just don't like riding bikes...
Those were simpler times.
Now it's pretty much the opposite. All those stressful factors are now realized and as your responsibilities have grown in your life outside of cycling so have the forces dissuading you from riding a bike. There are those who try to force themselves to relive a time long lost by buying the cheapest, most worthless piece of shit bike. Unfortunately for them, they're approximately 100-200lbs heavier than they were when they first started riding and simply can't get away with riding a "reasonably-priced" bike from Walmart. Others spend copious amounts of money in an attempt to justify their presence on the road. It doesn't work. Trust me, cars will run over whether you're drunk, sober, biked, non-biked, or en-Segway. All buying an expensive bike means is that you have an expensive bike, and that's only relative to other people's bikes. It also it implies that you're probably a racer, old fogie, triathlete, or an asshole. Surprisingly, asshole and triathlete are synonyms according to Websters. Admittedly, I probably fall under both the racer and asshole catagories (primarily the latter). I do spend a good bit of my money on bike stuff but don't necessarily feel a sense of entitlement on the road or at the shop because of it. I'd consider myself to be one with the traffic. Not in a "zen"-bullshit kind of way, but as one with equal rights as the cars I ride beside. Special lanes and signs are great but unnecessary. I'd rather just get hit by a car and team up with the nearest hobo and kick the crap out of the driver. See? Simple!
Or, y'know...whatever. Maybe some people just don't like riding bikes...
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Going Analog
Zipp Speed Weaponry is one of the most frustrating manufacturers currently available to cyclists these days. I have a genuine love-hate relationship with them. I can appreciate their role as pioneers in some of the industry's most efficient and aerodynamic wheels and components, but absolutely despise the fact that they market themselves as the source for success. Zipp, and essentially every cycling company associated with Team CSC, run ad campaigns based on the successes of their riders and there is no shame in that. In fact, it'd be financially irresponsible not to do so. The difference here is that these companies, instead of presenting their products as the preferred equipment of champion riders, nearly take claim for the victory themselves. As if Cancellara in and of himself were too horribly obtuse that in order to become the world TT champ for the second year in a row, Zipp, FSA, and Cervelo all needed to load him up with the fanciest gear they could muster. Stuey O'Grady didn't win Paris-Roubaix because he's one of the toughest, baddest, motherfuckers to ride a bike. No, he won because the R3 Carbon is such a plush and efficient ride over giant ass cobblestones. Yes, these are professional riders. They ride the absolute best. Milliseconds matter. But in all honesty, building a market off of some wonder-product that claims absolutely to make you faster is plain wrong. For my own sanity alone, 99.999% of the products that the professionals ride should come with a "prototype" sticker, regardless of their development status. This prevents me from having to deal with people looking for a lighter, stiffer, more durable, race-able, train-able, and cheap set of [insert any bicycle component here]. My favorite is when someone asks about getting a kickstand installed on a Madone (but make sure its light).
Dammit people. Its riding bikes. Stop making it more complicated that it should ever be. What the hell happened to being a good old-fashioned badass. We used to have this guy, let's call him Capt. Doctor, who has since graduated from our med school. He was one of the OG's of the team and we consider him to be sort of like our Godfather (except without Marlon Brandon's *ahem* heft). He didn't need a powermeter, superlight carbon frame/wheels, aero-this or superstiff-that. He rides an aluminum Pinarello with carbon seatstays that he bought with insurance money after a car ran over his last bike. On the bike is a pair of box section Mavic wheels and aluminum bar and stem and the gruppo is the old (non-ultratorque) Campagnolo Chorus, square-tapered bottom bracket and all. Everyone holds him in such high esteem because he simply rode; rode a lot, and rode well. As commuter and racer, he is known for making things difficult for himself and anyone who chose to (figuratively) butt heads with him. He could almost always be seen driving a break or a chase and didn't accept the fact that he could ever ride too much. He is a refreshing reminder that average Joes don't need all this this technology to race and succeed. He's an analog cyclist in a digital peleton.
Dammit people. Its riding bikes. Stop making it more complicated that it should ever be. What the hell happened to being a good old-fashioned badass. We used to have this guy, let's call him Capt. Doctor, who has since graduated from our med school. He was one of the OG's of the team and we consider him to be sort of like our Godfather (except without Marlon Brandon's *ahem* heft). He didn't need a powermeter, superlight carbon frame/wheels, aero-this or superstiff-that. He rides an aluminum Pinarello with carbon seatstays that he bought with insurance money after a car ran over his last bike. On the bike is a pair of box section Mavic wheels and aluminum bar and stem and the gruppo is the old (non-ultratorque) Campagnolo Chorus, square-tapered bottom bracket and all. Everyone holds him in such high esteem because he simply rode; rode a lot, and rode well. As commuter and racer, he is known for making things difficult for himself and anyone who chose to (figuratively) butt heads with him. He could almost always be seen driving a break or a chase and didn't accept the fact that he could ever ride too much. He is a refreshing reminder that average Joes don't need all this this technology to race and succeed. He's an analog cyclist in a digital peleton.
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