Broken: Computer

My laptop is broken. It's times like these when I really hate technology. With bikes, it's just bolts and grease. Things get infinitely more complicated with things like circuits and "electricity" get involved. Soon, it'll be my turn to turn over my neglected heap of junk to the experts at a specialty shop. They'll probably laugh at me and tell me that if only I had periodically checked and dusted the motherboard I wouldn't be in this situation. I just have to remember not to tell them that I already completely disassembled the laptop to see if I could fix anything (I couldn't), but the missing bolts and broken fittings around my keyboard will be enough to peg me as an ignorant Do-It-Yourselfer. Besides a potentially humbling future experience with computer geeks, having a laptop out of commission comes with a few other side effects.


-More time to ride
While I won't be posting as frequently and I might not be able to look up directions to exotic locations like Schaeffer Farms or the nearest Chipotle, I will have more time in the saddle. I hope to achieve the look of a traveling bike gypsy. My face will be caked in dirt, my clothes in tatters. Nothing will be clean except my chain and braking surfaces. I'll probably start peddling power gels and chain lube to cyclists underneath bridges to support my lifestyle.

-Less porn
I'll definitely spend less time drooling at sexy images online and talking to my internet girlfriend. I won't waste time constantly checking the status of orders or whether parts are in stock for imaginary bikes that I want to build. I know, that stuff doesn't sound all that bad but I heard that if you do it too much you'll grow hair on the palms of your hands.


I guess I can't really think of anything else that I can't do with a broken laptop. Of all the great things that people can do with technology, I use it simply to look at bikes and (bike) porn. What a shame.

Kona Tech Strikeout

The reporting on bike tech has been somewhat sparse since Interbike ended. So sparse, in fact, that Velonews posted this "Tech Report." It's basically a gallery of people with notepads counting tallies, the new Shimano Electronic Dura-Ace time trial set up, and some stupid shit, or what I would collectively call a "Triumvirate of Terrible."

1- Counting
Yes. It is important for bicycle manufacturers to send representatives to major races. It makes sense to keep tabs on how many people are riding what. It especially makes sense for triathletes, whose Lemming-like penchant for the lightest, aeroest components leads them to purchase the most ridiculous crap ever. So it's intelligent business tactics on behalf of the bicycle manufacturers, but once again mainstream media has to spoil everything. By exposing this world of bicycle espionage, they've put further pressure on triathletes to buy more high-spec componentry now that know even more people are looking. It could push some to deviate from the norms or cause triathletes to mould together into on giant wetsuit-clad, group buying, monstrosity. I'd put my money on the latter and am currently shopping online for bulk orders of Louisville Sluggers which I'll use to combat this impending abomination.

2- Di2
Electronic shifting is better for TT bikes because traditional cable and housing doesn't perform as well on bikes with fancy internally-routed cables. No shit. They said that when it came out. They said that when it was on bikes in the Tour. This isn't a tech feature. It's a rehash of old news with the added spin of it being on some unnamed Joe that either got the hook up from Shimano or spent way too much money on his bike. Thanks, but not interested.

3- Stupid Shit
I'm pretty used to seeing triathletes' atrocious bikes. The bikes come in corroded from their acid sweat. They're gunked up from head tube to dropout in power gels, energy drinks and whatever else triathletes can manage to stuff in bento boxes, saddle bags, fuel belts, strange marsupial pouch, etc. They use duct tape like it's God's gift to aero folk. Yeah. I've seen it all. Whatever. It's stupid shit like poor equipment choices that really kill me. Sure, if you're a 90lb rider you could choose a ridiculous wheel like a 16-spoke radially-lace carbon tubular, but why? What's another four or eight spokes? What's one single cross in the lacing pattern? Apparently there's no such thing as needing a reliable wheel to RACE 112 MILES. An Ironman isn't an F1 race. Sport is a different word from motorsport. Engines blow up all the time. You just build another and race next weekend. It's not about pushing the limits on how technologically advanced your bike can be. No one cares about that. The only people that care about it are the people that made your stupid bike shit and what to sell more stupid bike shit. So Virginia Berasategui might be fast, but stupid shit kept her from placing higher at Kona.

Oh also, you should lay your bike down on its drive-side, n00b!


Is it a tech report if you're reading about how someone was racing on sketchy componentry and broke it? Is it a tech report if you've been reading about E-DA since 2006, read the official unveiling in 2008, and disappointingly read the same generic spew today? Is it really a tech report if they tell me something I could have guessed tripping on 'shrooms? Not only could I have guessed that among all the triathletes at Kona, a quarter of them were riding on Cervelos and been in the wonderful land of Psycheldia, but even the gypsy elephant lady with the crystal ball made out of Honey Nut Cheerios had to stop, slap me in the face, and say "No shit, Sherlock!" What. A. Bitch.

Idiot Cyvant Interviews: Lance Armstong

Lance Armstrong is biking again or something like that. This Idiot was drunkenly inspired to hypothetically sit down with the distinguished cyclist over a beer and some FRS to talk about the recent news of his return to cycling.

Idiot Cyvant: Hi, Lance.
Lance Armstrong: 'Sup.
IC: Not Much. Um... What is up with you, dog?
LA: Well I came out of retirement to fight cancer. I'm pretty stoked about that.
IC: And how does that make you feel?
LA: Good. It's going to be a lot of hard work, but thankfully I have a ton of support from family and friends.
IC: ...Just not the French...
LA: Yeah, for some reason they want to play with my nine-year old pee. I don't get it. Actually I don't even know how they got my pee in the first place.
IC: Weird.
LA: Meh. It happens. I don't even know if I'll be going back to the Tour in '09.
IC: French media f'n up your cancer message?
LA: Yeah. They're pretty relentless about wanting my pee. Even Lemond wants something to do with it. I'm actually thinking about selling the stuff. If Zabriskie can sell his taint cream why wouldn't someone buy my urine? I think I'll call it Mellow Yellow.
IC: Wow. That's great Lance. Way to be an entrepreneur. Speaking of mellow, how's that shop of yours going?
LA: Good. I don't really do much there, but it makes a neat place to hang all those jerseys I have.
IC: Have a spot open for this surly mechanic?
LA: [Laughs] Sure, why not?
IC: You're obviously drunk on FRS. Thank you for your time, Lance. I wish you the best of luck with the 2009 season.
LA: Thanks, man.
IC: Oh. Also, could you give me a ride home on your handlebars? You may be drunk on FRS, but I'm drunk on beer...

Bridging the Gap: Back to Civilization

I've returned to civilization after a three-day trip to Mt. Sidney with a few heads from the shop. It was probably the most relaxing trip I've had in a long time. We stayed in a cabin on a friend's 20something-acre farm with nothing but cows, sheep, dogs, and a donkey to keep us company. I can't say we really did anything but ride bikes, drink, and hang out, but that's exactly what we went there for. We woke up early one day and rode Skyline Drive. To be honest, it was only ok. I wasn't too crazy about all the fresh air and beautiful scenery. I can't say that long gradual climbs and fast descents really excite me. I mean who likes riding bikes anyways? It's like exercising and shit. I might as well be at the gym...

Yeah right!!! That shit was one of the dopest rides I've ever done. It just felt good; Climbing, descending, just plain breathing the delicious mountain air. How could you not be excited, amped, and energized to be out there? I'm going back for round two sometime soon. I highly suggest that you make a trip.

Happy Birthday and The Things We Hate

Hey! It's idiotcyvant.blogspot.com's birthday! As my present to my blog, I'm giving it a proper URL-Christening and bought a domain name. So now you'll be able to find me at www.idiotcyvant.com. Sweet, no?

And now onto today's (ir)regularly scheduled post:


I don't mind being a bike mechanic. I don't think it is the singular definitive aspect of my life, but I'd say that it is a pretty big part for now. I like the fact that I can pretty much fix anything I ride and know enough about bikes and components to get exactly what I want to suit my needs as a cyclist. I don't mind the discount I get as a shop rat or bartering my services for lots and lots of beer (as long as it's not Micheloeb Ultra). In fact, there are very few things that I can say I dislike about being a bike mechanic.


-Pieces
One of my biggest pet peeves at the shop is when customers remove the wheels from their bikes to transport them in the trunk of their cars and don't bother putting them back on before they bring them to me. You can see these people from a mile away. They have a unique shuffle as they make their way across the shop floor to the service department. It's as if they are deliberately taking their time to make me dread their arrival even more. Authors don't bring their manuscripts to their publishers with the pages out of order and crumpled into balls. How does it make any logical sense to carry your bike to me like that? Don’t they know it’s easier to walk a bike with wheels than without? They obviously don’t because otherwise they’d be cyclists, or at least understand how efficient those circular things called “wheels” can be.

-Repair Questions
I am a mechanic. I do work so that you don't have to. Just because I (pretend to) know a lot about bikes doesn't mean you can use me like a fucking encyclopedia. That's what the internet is for. That and porn. Please don't come and ask me about how to remove a bottom bracket or adjust a front derailleur. I'm not interested in coaching you through this exercise in futility. Even if I were to explain to you how to do these things, the cost of tools and the mental stress (both yours and mine) strongly favor you simply allowing me to work on your bike. If you find yourself doing this, I would recommend periodically checking behind you while you're asking me these questions. You won't see an Idiot Cyvant clone menacingly wielding a pedal wrench, but will more than likely see an angry mob of cyclists with broken bikes (and probably more obnoxious repair questions) growing behind you. And to be honest, if it were me I'd take the surly mechanic. At least you're guaranteed not to be speared with an aerobar.

-Working, Not Riding
It's hard keeping people in the saddle as you get too tired and out of shape to ride bikes. Sure there are ways around it, like biking to work, but everyone knows that just isn't the same as jamming out on your favorite stretch of tarmac or singletrack. It's also a lot easier to just get drunk after work given the number of shitty/awesome, dive bars that are within walking distance of the shop.

-"Checking" tubes
If your tube is flat, it's flat. There's no way around it. "Checking" a tube implies that I inflate the tire, sit around and wait for it to deflate, or stick it in my imaginary tub of soapy water to see where the leak it. Not gonna happen. I like to repair bicycles, not wait around with my thumb up my ass just to say "yup, looks like that thurr tube-a-majiggy don't hol' any dern ayr." Plus all that suspense would just about make my head explode.

-Scooters and Motorized Shit
We don't work on them. We don't stock parts for them. I don't know anything about them and it's rude for anyone to assume that anything that's smaller than a car and has two wheels is fair game to bring to the shop. If you have a Vespa or a pocket bike, don’t come into the shop and get pissed when I tell you I go to a motorcycle shop or to hell. I don’t like it when people think that I have some kind of magical chest of wonders that contains every part that their fire-power piece of shit needs. Seriously, just fuck off.


Whew! That was a bit of a mouthful.* And there's plenty more where that came from, but I'll save those for later posts. Hopefully, I'll spend more time complaining about things I encounter on my bike than at the shop. Speaking of which, I'm currently packing up for a trip to my friend's cabin near Skyline Drive. Be jealous. I'll see you all in a couple days!



Endnotes:
*That's what she said.

Bridging the Gap: Post-Birthday Post

Yesterday was my birthday. I turned 61, but I still feel young at heart and my grandkids tell me that I wear it well. If you're wondering what I did for my birthday, I'll give you a hint:

It rhymes with odeabikeandgotdrunk.

Pictorial: Finally

It's finally done. I've been collecting parts for this bike since July, but it was well worth the wait. Mmm... Steel.

[No Entry]

No entry today.
Building the Gunnar.
Yes. Be very jealous.

Bridging the Gap: Taking a Quick Piss

As a cyclist, the price you pay to enjoy your sport can be somewhat exorbitant. Sure, that new custom carbon rig did cost you a pretty penny, but that's just money talk. What I'm referring doesn't have anything to do with money, but rather a cyclist's dignity.

Tan lines, shaved legs, emaciated upper bodies, and having to pick power gel wrappers out of your teeth are both points of pride and embarrassment for cyclists. It doesn't get much easier for the pros either. While they actually get paid to ride bikes (and do those other things), they have to deal with obstacles that are much harder to digest than pieces of plastic that say "Double Latte, 2x Caffeine". At the top of this list are the French and pee. I mention the two together because they are obviously inseparable. Never have I seen a country so devoted to "testing" urine. Who knows why they're so obsessed with the stuff? Some say it's to save the sport, while others claim it ruins it. Others still will say it's because the French are pissed that they haven't won the TdF since 1985 and want to prove that all les étrangers are doping. As for this cyclist, I don't really have much to say on the topic, but think it's rather funny that you just read a blog entry dedicated to pee-pee. I guess if this were to have any relevent effect on my life, I would say it gives me one more excuse not to go pro. "Frenchies playing with my piss" goes right between "beer" and "irrational fear of heights" on the list of things that keep me from standing on the top spot of the podium.