Don't tell anyone this, but I've been growing out my leg hair. It's too cold outside and shaving is just too much of a burden. Also, it's becoming increasingly more difficult to hide the fact that my legs have not only lost any semblance of definition they might have had, but have atrophied to the point where I look like a frozen dumpling on chopstick stilts. Yeah. It's a little embarrassing.
As you can tell, I've been neglecting my riding and blog for quite some time now. This holiday season has taken its toll on my cycling lifestyle and the humor/cynicism usually associated with it. Since drunken fixie rides don't count, it has been a few weeks since I've properly ridden a bicycle. Instead, I've been spending my time "out." Below I have listed a few things I might or might not have done instead of riding bikes. Guess which ones are true.
1- Drunkenly chatted with a pair of random girls at Stupid Bar #2. I only remember complaining about the shitty cover band that was belting out the worst Bon Jovi jams ever (all of them). Oh, yeah and apparently they were professional dancers for some dance company/institute in DC. I have no idea which one; I was too drunk.
2- Sat in baller-ass VIP seats at the Verizon Center with Captain Doctor, The Boss, and Squirrely McCheese. Seats that included center-court Row B seats behind the announcers table and a 300-level suite. Also, I ate ravioli that night while listening to TB and CD's sexually-explicit advances toward each other at the dinner table. Example:
TB: [something naughty]
-pause-
CD: Oh. Right on!
IC: ...awkward
Also also, apparently squirrels aren't that crazy about cheese, but that's hardly the point is it?
3- Ate foreign and exotic foods, like turkey, ham, steak, lobster, and Big Macs, consistently for over two weeks, although the ratio of Big Macs to Other Foods is very skewed in favor of the late night trips to the Golden Arches.
4- Sat around on my fat ass stuffed to the brim with the aforementioned exotic foods daydreaming about the bikes I want to build, instead of riding one of the five bikes that I actually own.
5- Fought a hobo and broke some expensive bikes at cyclocross nationals. Ok, maybe I didn't do this one, but dammit cycling fights are embarassingly funny. I really want there to be an epic Braveheart-style battle between triathletes and cyclists. I'd be the evil horseman riding a downhill bike with full body armor crushing every aero helmet in sight and any poor carb-counting soul that resided in it. I'd probably sustain a few injuries, like getting slapped in the face with a swim cap or googles.
"Boring" doesn't even begin to describe what it's like to work at a bike shop in the winter. A fitting description doesn't even exist but that doesn't keep me from combining the word with multiple expletives when the weather is a dreary as it is now. "This rain sucks! I'm so [censored to protect young children and the aerodynamically-inclined] that the next triathlete that walks in is going to get beat with a kickstand!!" And while I would never actually inflict physical harm upon any of my wetsuit-wearing compatriots, this is a prime example of what Bike Shop Fever will do to you. It's worse being a mechanic. As the bike shop season dies down in the fall, we fill a majority of our free time in the shop improving and tuning our own bikes. When winter rolls around, we no longer have any more personal bikes to work on and as an added bonus, we have even more free time. There are always the stereotypical things to do (build bikes, spec out dream bikes, scratch myself) but even that can get tiresome. Currently, I am using tubular glue to fix my shoe. It seems that the hippy paste used to construct the shoe is now protesting the fact that I shave my legs and don't constantly smell like The Ganj. Also, I am typing this entry wearing Pearl Izumi glove liners. Why? Because I answered a call today about whether or not glove liners would work well in a cold office setting and decided to extensively test their performance. Expect a review in VeloNews soon. (Y'know because I'm famous and stuff) As far as performace goes, so far, so good. Although my fingers are definitely not getting enough traction over the keys. Maybe if I use some tubular glue...
Today, I was featured on Bike Snob's The Great BSNYC/RTMS Fyxomatosis Photo Parody Contest (presented by the Gourmet Cheese of the Month Club). Yup. That's my Surly in the shower. Feel free to ask me to sign your baby's forehead whenever you run into me.
It's that time of year again, boy and girls. Aside from having to bundle up more for rides and keeping a more watchful eye on our diets, there are some other indicators that the winter has come.
Like the holidays, perhaps.
Whether you're a Gentile or Jew,
or out battling Xenu,
you're probably going to get a present or two.
And if you're expecting something especially grand,
you've probably made a list of stuff from Daydream Land.
On that list would be sweeter stuff for your steed,
some carbon hoops and other things you don't need.
Or maybe something practical is what you desire.
Like fenders and headlights for when the weather turns dire.
Alas, my list is not the same.
I'm afraid my list might be a bit too lame.
All I really want this year,
is not in the form of bike or beer.
It is something simple, and not so obscene
All I want this year is a commercial-grade popcorn machine.
Yes, seriously.
Oh and some Old Dominion Root Beer.
In a keg.
Thanks.
The End
I looks like the 'cross gods have forgiven me for my mishap last Sunday and bequeath unto me another race. Unfortunately, it's two months down the road, but I'm not one to argue with that. Another interesting thing about the Cross My Heart race's February 1 date is that it falls on Super Bowl Sunday, but will the Super Bowl have a friggin' SNOW MACHINE?! I know the race isn't guaranteed one, but it's got a better chance at having some of the white stuff than a football game in Tampa.
Advantage: Bike Race.
And while I realize that you won't have to chose between the races (10am - 2pm) and the game (6pm), I just want to point out that a Maryland bike race in February is more badass than a football game in Florida. Although, I'm tempted to wear pads if it's icy.
Today was the Capital Cross Classic. I raced in the Men's Cat 4 along with 80-something other riders, including the shop's own Z-Man (Woohoo! His first race!). The course itself was awesome; one steep run up, two barriers, plenty of technical corners and, of course, gnarly weather conditions. I don't really know how I was doing throughout the race, but I felt good. I would even say that I felt somewhat "strong" today, but I, like many others, had to overcome a few obstacles. The downhill off-camber section wasn't very kind to anybody and jammed up quite a few people. I made the mistake (twice) of trying to remount my bike on the gravel section at the top of the run up. Oh, and my saddle fell off. Somewhere during the second to last lap I must have sat down too hard or hit an unexpected bump during which I heard a sharp snap. I had heard this sound before a million times. It was similar to the sound made when I take a Madone frame and bash it against the curb. [We have to destroy warrantied carbon frames to prevent people from trying to ride them. Curbing them is definitely excessive, but fun as hell.] Despite the distinct nature of the noise, I was too wrapped up in the race to place it with a potentially dangerous breakage. That is, until the rattling started 3 seconds later. At first it sounded like the jingle of a loose cassette, but I'm a decent mechanic, there wasn't anything wrong with my shifting, and the noise was getting worse. It would only rattle when I was out of the saddle, but when I sat back down my saddle would slide and tilt in just about every direction. I told myself to ride carefully and stay in the saddle as much as possible. That lasted for another half a lap and suddenly the rattling was gone along with my saddle. Carbon fiber components hate me, especially this reused, used seatpost and its mysterious lack of torque specifications. I briefly contemplated leaving the saddle behind, but quickly turned around and picked it up. Losing an Arione wasn't worth keeping my position in a Cat 4 race. This happened right before I started the last lap and as I crossed the finish line I wondered how long it would take before I saw that sign again and whether or not the officials would pull me out for excessive prostate endangerment. Sadly, I don't think they were as concerned for the welfare of my taint as I thought they would be. What's worse was that I cared even less. If they didn't take me out of the race then I was going to finish the damned thing. I motored on, out of the virtual saddle, for the entirety of the last lap, only resting briefly on the top tube on the smooth flat section before the run-up. After what seemed like an eternity, the finish line was behind me and I was searching for the nearest fire extinguisher to put out the leg fire that resulted from having to mash the last 2 miles of the race. So I guess that ends the 'cross season for me, unless someone wants to let me tag along on those 4+ hour drives to wherever there's a race. I'd gladly chip in for gas money or wrench for a spot in the car as long as you don't mind my snoring and the side effects of having a Chipotle burrito addiction, which includes immature laughing everytime someone (me) farts.
Also:
Apologies to anyone taken aback by my colorful commentary during that last lap. I'm not sure if the "That must suck" comments were malicious, but my "No shit!" "FUCK!" etc. replies were definitely not intended to be.
Also Also:
It would've been baller if I could've bunny-hopped the barriers on the last lap instead of dismounting, running over them, stopping, and clipping in. That shit was SUPER lame, especially after all that fucking practice. I'll remember to do that next time I break a seatpost in a cross race, but since I've already replaced it with a Thomson I had sitting around I don't think that'll be anytime soon.
Pictures:
I just woke up from my Thanksgiving Day food coma. Writing this blog post just seemed appropriate. That and trying to do some cross training in the form of raking the leaves. Yes, I know. It's December already and the leaves have been down for several weeks now, but I feel like I can produce the maximum amount of watts when the leaves are all heavy from the extreme frosting they got the night before. That sounded awkward. But I guess a lot of things do in the not-so-off-season.
It looks like a few pro teams are having their first training camps to prepare for 2009. Saxo Bank. chose to dump their riders into freezing cold Danish waters and gave them guns. Yikes! I think I'd rather hang with the Garmin-Chipotle guys, play paintball, and drink beer at altitude. (er... ride bikes at altitude?). Whatever it is, it's gotta be better than being a skinny cyclist freak in Spain right now.
Yes. Road racers often do odd things in the (not-so) off-season, not least of which is buying road bikes with extra mud clearance and knobby tires and riding in the ice cold wind, mud, and rain. Good thing it has a cool name; "Cyclocross". It's like a religious tornado, and depending on the day, will make you curse or thank the heavens. But like all good things, the 'cross season is coming to an end. Hilariously, I have my second and last race in the near future. After that, I'm not quite sure what I'll do with myself. There are the obvious options (hibernate, drink, get fat), the healthier options (be cold, ride a bike, don't drink), and stupid options (going to the gym, running, pilates). Considering my current track record, I'll have an off-season plan nailed down by April or May, which works perfectly with my plan to avoid riding the trainer or rollers this winter. Success!
In the meantime, I'm going to try to rebutton my pants to hide my turkey day paunch. Next year, I'll just sit at the dinner table in my stretchiest pair of bibs shorts. Family photos be damned. I'll be comfy as shit!
