An Appeal

Criminal or Dork?

In October 2007, Andrew Hamlyn took 92 days off from work at his IT job at Teignbridge Council due to a viral infection and stress-related illness. Three weeks into his hiatus, Hamlyn participated in the Dartmoor Devil Endurance Event, which is a hilly, 66-mile bicycle ride. His picture was taken at this event. Soon after his leave of absence, Hamlyn was fired and sought legal action for being unfairly dismissed. An employment tribunal met yesterday and ruled against Hamlyn, dismissing his claims that he was "too ill" to meet with colleagues or respond to their repeated attempts to contact him. Furthermore, Judge John Major ruled that Hamlyn's participation in a "grueling bike race" was evidence that he wasn't sick in the first place. I would beg to differ.

In the case of Andrew Hamlyn vs. "Employment Tribunal," I would like to submit the following evidence in favor of Hamlyn's innocence:

Exhibit A: The "Race"

A race? You people think he did a bike race? While a 66-mile ride is nothing to scoff at, nowhere in the title "Dartmoor Devil Endurance Event" does it say race. Sure, you spell "race" from those letters, but you can also spell "Eat At Devil Mart," but you don't anyone being sued for chowing down on devil's food cake and deviled eggs. Furthermore, by now we should all be accustomed to the misleading terminology that refers to non-race or faux-race sporting events, especially considering the rising popularity of "triathlons." Shit, you can't even spell "race" from "triathlon". If you're saying this guy did a bike race, then you'd be validating the ridiculous hobbies of an enormous population of dweebs and making their big heads bigger (even bigger than mine!). Please for the love of all that's holy, please use "race" sparingly and only when appropriate.


Exhibit B: The Distance

Taking a moment to expound upon the distance of this event, a cyclist sees 66-miles as long day in the saddle. As with most things that require a large amount of time to accomplish, the task of riding such a distance takes a bit of endurance. Judge Major argued that not only did Hamlyn's participation in the race serve as evidence to his physical well-being, but also that in order to do such an event he must have had time to train. Ignoring the "race" vs. "event" argument for a moment, every cyclist can still clearly see that this judge has no friggin' clue about cycling. Distance isn't the only index of a grueling test of endurance. Things such as time, terrain, riding partners, traffic, and the number of food, beer, and pee breaks are all factors that contribute to how difficult a ride actually is. Other cyclists will be quick to add factors like V02-max, lactate threshold, and power numbers, but all that shit is just plain black magic to me. Most non-cyclists look at 66-miles and say "oh golly gee, that's a really long ways to go!" But the truth is that most cyclists can probably squeeze out 66-miles given an entire day and unlimited amounts of beer. Distance argument debunked. (Ed.- I also blame non-cyclists for the century ride phenomenon. Not since the 1920's when flappers began revealing the backs of their knees has an entire population been turned on by something so boring. OooooOOOoooo I just rode into the triple digits! Psht, gimme a break)

Exhibit C: The Equipment

A Trek 520 is not a race bike. It is a Chro-Moly touring bike. V-brakes and bar-end shifters are not considered to be the pinnacle of racing technology. Five bucks says his shifters were also in the "friction" setting. Nowhere on earth would anyone consider riding this bike if they wanted to be even a remote contender in any competition. Sure some people might be doing their first race just to see if they like racing, but would someone in a race still keep his Dynamo light-generating front wheel? What about the fenders? What about TWO FUCKING PANNIER BAGS?! Even the dippiest of the dipshits could figure out that bags, fenders, and stupid generator lights add mass, or in layman's terms "make bike heavy." Even a drunk gorilla would take all those things off before rode. Either that or he'd attempt to peel one of those hideous yellow water bottles and be slightly peeved when he got Cytomax shot in his eye.


Exhibit D: The Rider

Racers do not wear wrist watches when they race. (Triathletes do, but then again they don't race. So, whatever.) Racers do not wear baggy cotton undershirts when they race. Racers do not smile when they race. Even if they've won a race easily, they must always look as if they're about to keel over and die at any given moment, because that's racing. Racer's do not wear lace up SPD-compatible shoes that are comfortable to walk in. Most racers have forgotten how to walk since they're almost always on the bike or getting a rub down from a soigneur or unlucky significant other. Racer either wear a helmet or don't. They are forced to wear helmet during races and, when training, choose to look Euro-chic and pimp the bare cycling cap. Racers do not dangle their helmets over the hoods of their bars during a race. That's what team cars are for. Even if racers did do all these ridiculous things, they would never, EVER have hairy legs. If Hamlyn was a wristwatch-wearing, baggy undershirting, smiling, SPD shoe-tying, helmet-dangling, racer and all those things weren't already a sign of some sort of extreme illness, the fact that he's baring his woolen legs on a bike ride is evidence that he's been very sick and sick for enough time that his leg hair was able to grow back into those furry legwarmers. And since he was too sick to shave his legs, I'd safely assume that he was too sick to deal with badgering phone calls from work, justifing his 92-day leave of absence. [Ed- If my legs were that hairy, you could safely assume that I'd been sick for at least 3 years.]


Conclusion:

Let the records show that Hamlyn was wrongfully fired for riding his bicycle. He did not participate in a grueling endurance competition. He did not even ride his bicycle an extraordinarily prodigious distance. He was not riding a race bike, or even a bike designed to attain anything other than long, slow miles. And finally he is a complete and utter dork, something that us bike racers can safely say that we have nothing in common with.