Bridging the Gap: Only Lance Can Save Us Now

Fucking shit. If I hear any more about Lance WhatsHisFace, I'm gonna kirk out. I crash all the damn time and you don't see my face plastered all over the news media. Granted, I haven't won seven TdF's, lost a testicle, or made out with either of the Olsen twins. But still... Enough is enough. It's getting ridiculous now. I understand the desire to watch his fitness progress throughout the season, but I didn't need to know that he rode for 16.5-seconds at the front of the peleton in the Not-the-Tour-de-France. I didn't need to know that he doesn't like having helicopters hover so closely to him in Austrailia. I didn't need to know his entire thought process regarding his decision to ride his stolen custom TTX; either he rides it or he doesn't, its not like there aren't other bikes for him to ride. The fact that people use his twitter to report on the most insignificant happenstance is proof positive that Lance needs to hurry up, get better, and start winning races. Otherwise, the entire world will explode or rather, there will be billions of tiny explosions as people's heads get overloaded with useless Lance minutiae. With his broken clavicle, reporters are quickly running out of fuel for the TrivialShit-mobile. The video below is case in point. The Today Show (the bane of my existence) reported on ESPN's broadcast comparing Lance's crash to Matt Lauer's bike accident involving a deer. Not only does this make for a ridiculously easy game of Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, but also combines my contempt for obnoxious pseudo-news media and corny puns (@ 1:23) with my grudge against useless cycling news. It's media incest and I won't stand for it. I hate this second Lance-effect as much as I hated the first one, but we need him now more than ever. His mission: Save the world from himself.

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