Bridging The Gap: The Spanish Will Kill You

Today Alberto Contador won the opening stage of Paris-Nice. If you're like me, you're probably eating some candy right now and saying "Yeah... And?" The kid seems like he could win any race he wants and I've finally learned his secret.

It's not that he trains better than everyone else and he's not on the juice. It's because he's got big guns. "Guns," in this instance, is not a euphemism for muscles like "pythons," "gats," or "choke machines." We're talking about actual guns here; the kind you shoot people with. Contador uses them to intimidate the rest of the peleton until they poop their chamoises and give up. Sure, they might be invisible, but often times it's the unknown that scares us the most. Also, invisibility guarantees total concealment of the weapon to easily get past the commissaires, who are forced to uphold several outdated and irrelevant laws, like UCI weight limits and the lesser known "Thou shalt not bear arms whilst racing bicycles" regulation.

Only one other person has been seen prominently carrying weapons in the peleton. It's Spaniard Juan Antonia Flecha. His bow and arrow may be a bit outdated, but nothing hurts more than getting shot than string propelled sticks. And if you think these are just random occurences, I've heard rumors that Alejandro Valverde was in talks with Russian team, Katusha, about getting a rocket launcher. I'm officially raising the ProTour Alert Status to Jaune, which means there's an increased liklihood that Contador will bust out his "gats" a few more times before Paris-Nice is over.

"Give me all your jaune, oro, and rosa jerseys. Now."