It's The Time Of The Season

It's official. The cycling season is upon us. It can often be difficult to figure out when the season begins. For many, it's when the first race registrations fill up 13 seconds after they go live on BikeReg. For others, it's when they have finally succeeded in getting into any given MABRA race many months later. And still others, the so-called badasses of the sport, will say that the cycling season has always been upon us and remind the lesser-legged masses that they've been training, lifting, and racing all year round. A training peak? Peaks are for girly-men with chopstick legs. My peak is a vertical line and at any given moment I am 1328% ready to show off the magnitude of my gnarliness. The point is, for the average cyclist it is impossible to determine the actual start of the cycling season because each cyclist has a different definition of when it's appropriate to ride.

For us at the shop, we go by the customer-based calendar. Lunar and solar have their places, but the biking season really starts when the first uber-douche comes through our doors. If we can determine the length of the winter season by a dumbass groundhog, how different is it to use a dumbass triathlete to determine the beginning of the cycling season. This weekend, I dealt with our shops first complete idiot. He came in with his girlfriend and his bike, an aluminum Felt road bike with one-piece clip-on aerobars. While his girlfriend was checking in her bike for a tune-up, we discussed tires. He had worn through his Continental UltraGatorskins and was looking for an upgrade. We engaged in the following dialogue:


Idiot Cyvant: So what kind of tire are you looking for?
Uber-Douche: What do you mean?
IC: Well, we have a few different brands, but they're generally classified as commuting, training, or racing tires.
UD: I've had a pretty good experience with the tires I have on my bike. What would you suggest that's close to that.
IC: So a training tire then? Well I have a few kevlar-belted tires that would give you about the same puncture-resistance, but I would also recommend the Continental 4-Seasons or Grand Prix 4000 as a good all-around ...
UD: [Interrupting me] What do you mean by racing tire?
IC: [Hating being interrupted; gritting teeth] Well racing tires are generally lighter, have a tackier compound for better grip, and have a more supple casing that allows for better road feel and...
UD: [Interrupting again] So my tires aren't race tires? I've done fine on them.
IC: [Pause to gain composure] Right. Well those would be considered training tires, which are designed more to resist cuts and log long miles, as opposed to race tires that aren't necessarily as tough and wear out more quickly.
UD: So these "race" tires, how much faster do they make you?
IC: Well, you can run a higher tire pressure with a race tires so you'd be theoretically more efficient and you can corner better with a grippier tire compound, but it's hard to...
UD: Like, how many more miles per hour will these tires make me?
IC: [Thumbing the knife in my pocket] It's hard to quantify exactly since everyone rides differently and it's all relative...
UD: [Interrupting again] Like say I ride at 21 mph, how much faster will I ride with these tires?
IC: [Blacks out with rage]


I don't know what happened next. I must have lashed out in white-hot fury and when this happens I cannot be held responsible for my actions. I will admit that I woke up the next morning and there was the blood head of a triathlete at the foot of my bed, aero helmet and everything. It was that morning I realized the season was upon us and that I would be dealing with these "cyclists" more frequently. May God have mercy on us all.