Multi-Faceted

If you saw my face an hour ago, it would have been all screwed up with irritation. I had to abandon plans to geek out and see The Watchmen tonight and instead, sat in front of my computer refreshing a BikeReg page. I got such an adrenaline rush after successfully registering for a race that I called Chuck Norris and roundhouse kicked him through the phone. After I finished my victory kick (a good kick lasts at least 8 minutes), I began thinking about all the different faces I saw on today's ride.

As a cyclist with a specialization in hurting myself, I'm used to seeing and making a lot of different faces on the bike. I usually start with a stone-cold gaze of stoicism. This is to be considered as the "warm-up" phase which after about 3 minutes quickly transitions into the "Going Fast" phase, where I clench my jaw and bare my teeth. Tongue wagging is optional in this phase, but must always be accompanied with the obligatory exclamation, "RRAWR!" This look, commonly known as the pain face, is my look of choice, but is pretty much a sign that I will bonk, snap, crackle, or pop my way into a lanterne rouge in the very near future (within 5 minutes max). My final facial expression is a look that says I've either eaten way too many Chipotle burritos (my limit is usually 4 per sitting) or that I'm finished and there's nothing left in my legs. This queasy, pale-faced expression is everyone elses cue to clear the area because I will either pass out or simply explode. Bonk Face is nothing to mess with.

Today I didn't make any of those faces. It wouldn't have been possible because there was no way I could wipe the stupid ass grin off my face. Yes, the weather was that nice. Unfortunately, everyone else had the same idea as me and decided to spend some quality time on the W&OD, which I use to in order to get from suburbian hell to anywhere worth riding. Today's trip took me to Hains Point. It's not exactly a glamorous destination, but is good enough for a few, quick laps. And as I was riding and feeling self-conscious about the dumb smirk plastered on my face, I took the opportunity to take note of all the other faces that were equally as stupid looking.

The Hostages
It turns out that I might have been the only one actually enjoying the weather or at least that's what I gathered from a majority of the people running, riding, putzing around, etc. The W&OD was full of frowns and grimaces as people forced themselves to enjoy the good weather by working out. While exercising is far from a pleasurable experience, there were people out there downright suffering. It looked like somone was holding a gun to their heads and shouting "Do cardio!" through a giant cartoon megaphone. You couldn't see it in how they were running or riding, but their faces definitely told the tale of someone who didn't want to be exercising.

The Steely Eyes of Determination
I try not to speed on the W&OD. While I technically ride above the 15mph limit, I am by no means recklessly pursuing a new speed record for douchiest douche on the trail. In fact, I often yield the right of way to oncoming traffic instead of sprinting ahead of my slower moving obstacle. Others do the complete opposite and use the trail as their own personal racing circuit. These people can be seen riding just about anything else with wheels and will usually barrel towards you in your lane while showing little or no signs that they actually know what they're doing. The best part is when they accomplish this feat in tandem, passing a slower trail user side by side, like some kind of crappy faux Blue Angels' stunt move on bicycles. And while they come in different shapes and sizes, they all share the same face. It's the GetouttamywaybecauseI'mworkingoutandmoreimportantthanyou Face. I think it was developed in Germany. Under Hitler.

The Uh-Oh Face
When caught in a similar situation as the Steely Eyes, this face is most commonly seen on riders sitting up from their aerobars. It's a combination look which calls for two parts ignorance for not knowing aerobars aren't W&OD-friendly, one part fear of not being able to stop the bike while being "aero," and six parts confusion about whether to sacrifice the efficiency of their workout or sacrifice life, limb, and total annihilation via surly bike mechanic. I guess I don't really need to say much more about aerobars other than "AARRGHGGGHHHH!!!1!!!ONE!!!"



In Other News
Lance Armstrong, who's currently training in France for some kind of bike race, has been paid yet another "surprise" visit today by the French Anti-Doping Agency, AFLD. A little pee and blood has never been a bother for this seasoned veteran of being poked and prodded. But to celebrate his 24th anti-doping control since announcing his comeback in September, Armstrong was asked for the celebratory hair sample as well. Methinks the French are staging a complex murder scene with LA as the primary suspect. Oh, who could it be? I bet it's this guy.