A Riddle for the Slow

What's square, ugly, and rendered completely useless after 45 minutes?

That's right. My pedal stroke.

I rode my road bike for the first time in months today. I figured I owed it to myself to take a week off before transitioning from cyclocross to training for the upcoming road season. Forty-five minutes into my ride, I soon realized that my legs while somewhat useful for riding 'cross were nothing even close to effective at powering my road bike. I felt slow and in my shame, I refused to look at my computer for fear that instead of displaying my speed and cadence it would simply show alternating emoticons of laughing and frowning faces. :D :( :D :(

Stupid computer.

On another note, if you ever want to star in a Cheech and Chong movie while maintaining your superior Vo2-max then I highly suggest riding this winter with ventilated sunglasses. My eyes became so dry and red that I was tempted to pull over at a gas station and put droplets of anti-freeze on my frigid eyeballs. I resisted this urge and used chain lube instead (because I was near my shop and it was free). Now it's time to drown my sorrows in an alcoholic beverage and suffocate them in an Italian Store sandwich. Woe is me.

Muddaaay! [Part Deux]

I still haven't cleaned my cross bike yet. Aside from dunking it in the icy creek at Capital Cross and then re-lubing the chain, it's just been sitting there with a layer creek mud caked on it. Today, I finally took the seatpost out and it's draining upside-down in my repair stand now. But there's still a good bit of work left to do. The rims have taken on a lot of water. It sounds like one of those ridiculous desktop waterfalls whenever I slowly spin the wheel. Come to think of it, it's actually quite enjoyable, but it does make me have to go to the bathroom more frequently. I'm pretty sure I need to overhaul one or both of my pedals as they hardly spin now. I guess all that graceful swan diving I did into 5-inch deep mud has taken its toll. It's also about time to replace the chain, brake pads, and bar tape. Stupid bike. How am I ever going to build up my second 'cross bike if this one is hogging all of daddy's attention? This is a typical case of a jealous first child/'cross bike with issues. Fortunately, daddy is a neglectful, booze hound that is easily distracted by shiny things (i.e. not my current 'cross bike). Cry all you want, baby/bike, but all you're gonna get is an ice-cold sponge bath.

I also realized that I vigorously shook my bike while it was upside down, further adding to the bad father/neglected child metaphor, but I was too lazy to work it into my blog post. So just laugh as if I did anyways. LAUGH DAMMIT! (puhleease?!)


Don't Hate Disclaimer:
I don't neglect or shake babies, upside down or otherwise. That said, you probably shouldn't let your baby near me if you have one. It's just safer that way.

Muddaaay!

As in, "It's so muddy, it's muddaaaay!"

I should have brought my snorkel to the Capital Cross last Sunday. I was pretty much swimming in mud. I also took a dip in the creek to clean off my bike post-race. It had snowed the day before and we got about 4 inches of wet snow that turned to ice overnight. Racing at 11am gave the ground an opportunity to thaw and gave me an opportunity to make a mockery of myself yet again on a muddy, technical course. Goddamn I suck in the mud. "Smooth" is apparently not in my vocabulary and apparently "run-up" is translated as "pitifully hobble up like a pathetic gimp" when you're me and subjected to 40-degree weather. I felt like crap the entire time, which I guess is the point. Yeah. Sure. I had plenty of "fun". There's plenty of "fun" I'm still trying to get off my bike, out of my clothes, and from inside my ears, nose and eyes. I might dive into the world of tubulars next season. It's been a while since I got f'd up on glue fumes.

But now it's the off-season! While I enjoyed racing 'cross, it will be nice to spend the weekend drinking beers. That's right. Beers. Plural. This is significant because during 'cross season whenever I would have any alcoholic beverage over the weekend, it was usually after a race and I was more often than not exhausted and dehydrated to the point of delirium. This led to instant hangovers, something I would usually dismiss at the time. I would just pretend everything was fine, part of my "sack up and drink(!!!)" mentality that I developed in high school. Needless to say, it didn't work well back then and it didn't really work well during 'cross season. So despite having tons of fun racing in the dirt and enjoying the laid back atmosphere of the 'cross scene, I'm happily returning to my other favorite pastime: drinking my face off.

On the flip side, the road season isn't that far off. I am psyched!