It's a new year. I think it's 2012, but won't be able to tell for another 6 months after all the constant auto-correct reminders and scathing remarks about my Idiocy sink it. As it is, my learning curve is rather inelastic.
While I do wish I had posted more entries last year, I have struggled to find a more relevant purpose for writing here. No. I am not nor am I capable of having deep introspective moments so don't think that time I spilled my guts about x, y, and z while drinking a fifth of bourbon will happen here. I'm simply looking for more interesting things to write about. Obviously, I'm no longer a dirtbag bicycle mechanic, nor am I racing (poorly) in the MABRA scene. My grease- and roadrash-based muse has left me for now. Things have changed a lot and many of the things I've thought about posting about Beijing have been pretty base complaints about air quality, obnoxious crowds, and traffic. I mean, how often do you want to hear about this Idiot essentially elbowing a random Chinese person in the face because he zigged when he should have zagged? Because this happens on a daily, no hourly basis. People here walk everywhere. Ev. eR. RHEE. WHERE. They do so while giving off the appearance of having a fixed trajectory in concert with the drunken stumblings of a toddler-hobo ("todbo" or "hoddler"). You could also liken it to the organized chaos in a beehive. It's almost completely unpredictable. They'll look like their walking straight towards you until at the the last moment they strafe right or left. I find it best to stare at their feet, keep my elbows out, and think skinny thoughts as I squeeze by the Chinese masses. But I do this everyday on my way to work and I don't want to complain about it everyday because some days I get really pissed off by it while other days I hardly notice it (likely because I'm drunk). The point is I don't want this to be a blog where I constantly peddle my petty complaints.
Nor do I want this to be a place where I write stupid letters home to let people know that I'm "doing fine" or "having fun" or "sober". Firstly, because of all of 2.5 people read this thing, none of them are family (thankfully). Secondly, us Idiots are built from hardy albeit slightly dim-witted stock, so there's no need to worry about us. We're capable of surviving any number of hostile environments, i.e. the Beijing club scene, any Beijing crosswalk or bike lane, and even nights out with a few cases of baijiu. Finally, I work a regular 9-to-5 and don't even travel enough to be worried about. And further to that point, I'm not here to do all the touristy crap either. Don't get me wrong, there is a lot to see here, but like my time in Washington DC, I don't feel compelled by this city's "impressiveness" to experience absolutely every damn tourist trap there is. So don't expect "OMG. Like the Forbidden Palace is like an amazing dude."
Despite my somewhat hurried departure from the states, I feel like I had pretty reasonable goals and expectations about what I was going to encounter in Beijing. I knew there would be plenty of things that I needed or wanted to do here and that I'd have to take some lumps along the way. But let's be honest, those lumps aren't really that big an issue, especially if you look at them in the grand scheme of things and what I stand to gain from them. Even considering the fact that I moved here practically without knowing anyone or a single Chinese guttural utterance to save my life, I've been surrounded my entire life by dozens of people who've managed to do more with less than what I came to Beijing with, including my parents. And if there's anything that'll light a fire under a second-generation refugee's ass, it's the fact that your parents aren't exactly impressed with whatever tiny problems you might have. Are they proud of what I'm doing? Yeah. Sure. Sympathetic? Maybe a little. Impressed, though? Not likely. I can just see it now. If I started complaining to my parents, they'd say something to the effect of "So lemme get this straight: you have clothes, food, and shelter and don't have to scrub toilets or wash dishes and you're complaining because....?" It's the Asian equivalent of the Western "I walked 15 miles each way to school in 6 feet of snow" story. So I just plan to plug away, work hard, soldier on, sack up, power through, etc etc. But the point isn't be be impressive; not to my parents or anyone else. I'm not infallible (hardly possible when you're drunk all the time). I'll be honest and say that I stress out some days. Things aren't always easy here, but they're far from horrible and the only way things will get any better is if I do something about it. So if you asked me if I'm "doing ok," you're asking the wrong question. At the end of the day, it's more about doing what you want, right? Cyclist know this as a fact of life. "Suffering" is a term too often used and glorified, but can be appropriately used in this instance. People on bikes can put up with a lot of shit when they ride; cowpies, road rage, hazardous weather, hazardous riders, etc. We bonk, crash, break things, and still get back in the saddle. People sometime think we're insane for putting up with here are a multitude of reasons why we do it, but it boils down to: I just wanted to, dammit.
So a more appropriate question to ask is "are you getting what you want out of whatever you're doing?"
I'm not here in this country because I made a singular resolution that I would "try new things." I'm not here because I wanted to leave my family, my friends, and my dog behind. I don't enjoy the pollution or the crowds. And a effing hate doing touristy crap that, despite several thick coats of paint on so-called ancient historical treasures, seems so transparently oriented towards ripping off foreigners. (ed- as a personal goal, I aim to the stand-and-smile in front of as few of these famous Beijing sites as possible). No I'm here to pursue a life that I think is fully within my grasp and worth taking a few lumps for. And because it's still strange for me to be so goal-oriented, I leave it at that.
So if I was going to arrive at a point I guess I had better do it now: "Fine," "fun," and "sober" are all subjective terms. If you want to know how someone's doing, compare what they're doing to what they want to be doing and what what ultimately want to achieve. Sometimes I use "living the dream" to describe this and can be tough sometimes to act on "dream" plans. But if you asked me right now if moving to China was worth it, my response would be:
"Fuck yeah it was." |
| Meh. City life. Didn't come here for that, but I'll take it. |
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