Try All Three

Nothing wakes me out of a peaceful blog-hibernation like an infuriating new article from BikeRadar.com. The article seemed benign enough with its "15 Way To Ensure Your Best Summer's Riding Ever." Most of the points made in it were what you'd expect from a cycling publication pulling generic tips for summer riding. "Try All Three" was the final bit of advice from the author, Andy Wadsworth (Wadsworth? Really?). He starts with "Having a new goal will add variety to your regime, so why not enter a triathlon?" and then I blacked out in a fit of rage. If your goal is to be held to some supposed standard of fitness and look like an idiot, then sure sign up for the next doggy-paddle, coast, jog event. If you want variety get a different bike. I'll probably write more in the near future, but I'm still a bit groggy from hibernation so long.

Handle It!

Despite having worked at the shop for nearly three years, there is always a first for something. Take yesterday for example. I almost got in a fist fight with a customer. Now I'm not talking about all the instances where I've had strong desires to choke someone. That kind of stuff happens all the time at the bike shop and usually involves nothing more than excessive ranting after work coupled with even more excessive boozing. This time was different. This time the customer actually wanted to fight me. CHA-CHING! For the sake of the this blog, let's call him A Simple Sucker, or ASS for short. This ASS brought his bike in to the shop to get a flat tire repaired. He also left his bike standing in the middle of the sales floor resting on its fork and rear wheel as he shopped around for ASS-like things. I, being the dynamic shop employee that I am, rushed past the bike to talk shop stuff with one of the managers and in doing so, slightly grazed the less than stable bike. The bike fell (duh). Patty Cakes, the sales associate helping ASS, quickly picked up the bike and checked it for damage. He would later tell me that the brakes were out of alignment. Note: when a bike falls over like that there's really no way a front brake is going to get damaged and the misalignment was probably a result of him pulling the wheel out to have the flat fixed. So the bike was completely unscathed. I, not being an ASS, knew this. In fact, everyone who isn't an ASS knew this. Bikes fall over. They don't get hurt that easily. I did however offer an apology to the young ASS in the form of the simple colloquial "My bad, dude." To which he replied in typical ASS fashion, "Yeah. It is." I was taken aback by this brash young man, but ignored his remark and focused on my task at one of the store's registers. Patty Cake comes up behind me to ring out the ASS and tells me about the brake. Seeing no customers in hearing range, I made a comment about "who the fuck leaves an unattended bike in the middle of the shop floor with out wheels on it" and just as I said that, ASS comes around the corner. "So that's how you feel?" he says, leaning over the sales counter staring me down with his arms crossed.

IC: Yeah. That is kind of how I feel.
ASS: How about you show some customer service for what you did?
IC: I said I was sorry and there's nothing wrong with your bike.
ASS: How about you own up to what you did and take care of it?
IC: Um, I don't know what you're talking about. Your bike is fine. You left it in the middle of the sales floor, so I don't really feel that bad that it got knocked over.
ASS: Why don't you fucking show some customer service and handle it like a man. Why don't you handle it, before I handle you!
IC: Handle what? Are you really threatening me about your bicycle? It's just a bike, you know.
ASS: So that it? It's like that?
IC: I don't really know what I'm supposed to say to that. I have stuff to do and you're being ridiculous. [turns towards computer monitor and avoids ASS's 'steely' gaze]

I really wanted him to punch me. I REALLY REALLY wanted him to punch me. It would have been an amazing spectacle, but I knew that if I didn't do everything possible to avoid it, I would still be at fault. Making fun of him for saying "handle it" to his face probably didn't help, but neither did the fact that he's a fucking ASS. I probably could have kicked him out of the shop, but still really wanted him to punch me. Could you imagine what he would have looked like explaining this to the police? I figure it would go something like this:

Po-Po: So what happened?
ASS: He knocked over my bike so I punched him.
Po-Po: So why do you have a pedal wrench stuck in the side of my head?
ASS: Because the chainwhip is stuck in my rectum and the pedal wrench wouldn't fit. Oh, and because I got my ass beat...
Po-Po: So you're going to the hospital and then jail because your bike got knocked over...
ASS: Just handle it, ok?


Endnote:
On the plus side for ASS, I'm sure he won some super brownie points for mouthing off and being a tough guy in front of his girlfriend. I'm glad I could at least help him out in that regard. How's that for customer service?